the scientist

today, among other things, as i sat in my apartment alone and worked on a lot of reading and homework in preparation for the week, i began to think about how different things are going to be...

in a little over a month, i'll move my stuff six hours away. i'll work camp for eleven weeks. then, it looks as if i'll be taking residence in alabama. almost every aspect of my life will change. church. friends. BCM. work. school. even the little things, like my usual places to eat and the routines i have developed while in columbia will be different. i'm a little frustrated with changes. i know change can be good, and great, and sometimes necessary, but i guess it's scary. the really frightening thing, for me, is that things could turn out worse. this has been a hard year. don't get me wrong, it's been rewarding--but it has been difficult in so many ways. i've felt very alone in a lot of areas in my life. i guess my real prayer right now isn't for the technical things--i don't care if i get lost every once in a while in birmingham. it's okay if the classes are challenging. my real prayer is for community, and one that will not go away. for friends of the physical nature--ones that i can spend time with in my new city. for a fellowship that mirrors that of the kingdom of God.

however, i do realize that what is next is going to be difficult. i sympathize with coldplay:

nobody said it was easy

oh, it's such a shame for us to part

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be this hard

i'm going back to the start...

and now...for some pictures to commemorate what will be so hard to leave behind, in so many ways...

oops, one more...

so i decided i need some goals for the next year...some of which are fun, some of which are serious, all of which are necessary. and maybe these aren't just for the next year, but for a while...so, these are my goals to accomplish...when i accomplish them.

1. downsize the crap i have. get rid of stuff i don't need.
2. buy a new comforter for my new bedroom, wherever i'll be living.
3. buy a new computer. (i kind of need to do this one pretty soon, actually).
4. go on a roadtrip with angel. or an airplane trip. i want to see either DC or nyc & boston again. and soon.
5. take my mom on a really nice vacation.
6. go to englad. i know, it seems like a lot of my things are "go to...," but i feel as if i have been bitten by the travel bug. oh, and go to ireland too.
7. buy new music on iTunes, especially great stuff for quiet time at camp.
8. go to the riverwalk and chill before i leave columbia.
9. read a few new, good books.
10. read through the Old and New Testament.

shine on.

it's 11:18pm and i don't have class tomorrow until 11:00am...that's pretty awesome. i'm about to eat a mango. i've never eaten one before. they are kind of oddly shaped, and really....hard. maybe that means it's not ripe. and apparently you can't tell by the color. hmm...i'm going to try it anyways to see, after i write this blog.

i think you can tell a lot about someone from their profile pictures on facebook. the crazy, outgoing people...they always have really interesting pictures. they are always doing something off-the-wall. if i was one of those people, i'd have that kind of picture. i wish was a little more outgoing, but i'm not, so most of my pictures are just me cheesing, but i do try to put ones of significance: important moments, places, people...my current one is from leadership banquet this year. what a whirlwind of emotions! i'm still not sure quite how to feel about it all, though i've gotten to process a good bit today. the song "shine on" from needtobreathe really sums it up:

somewhere between the end
and the point where we begin
there's a fire burning brightly
that's found it's way to dim
when the feeling's gone

shine on, shine on
and onto something new
it's long and overdue
i will remember you
shine on, shine on
and let the others see
you've got your victory
will you remember me

i was with you in the valley
and up upon that hill
so take just one more step in front of you
for i am with you still, you still
and you're not alone

can you see my hands are open
i'm waiting just ahead
and you think you need it all now
but you needed me instead

it has been a great, wonderful, crazy, hectic, difficult, and blessed year. and i'm on to whatever is next, and remembering that God was with me in the valley, and on the hill...so no matter what, i'm covered.

by the way, i've decided from looking at my own collection of profile pictures that my hair...it just needs to be short like it is. i can't do the long hair.

g'night!

the dip

on the way back to columbia today after my birthday celebration at home this weekend, i listened to two older sermons from steven furtick. to be honest, i didn't really want to listen to them. they are from a few weeks ago and i really wanted to hear his newest segment on james, especially since he will be continuing that sermon series when we visit elevation on sunday. listening to those two sermons, however, rocked my world. steven furtick talks about what he calls "the dip"--low times in one's spiritual life. he talks about dips we are responsible for, out of our disobedience and ignorance, and then those dips that just...come.

it's nice whens omeone can find the words to express what you are feeling. until now, i would have never been able to put my finger on this condition. but after listening to those podcasts, it is clear the pain, loneliness, and fear i am feeling all come from "a dip" which is, in some ways, beyond my control. the bright side, however, is that because God was faithful before, i know He will continue to provide. maybe these feelings of loneliness and isolation are indeed feelings which will help me leave this place behind, and move on to whatever is next. it's just been a hard pre-transition, especially when what is next isn't really set in stone...i haven't heard from beeson and i'm getting worried because for once in my life, i have no backup plan. i'm guessing i'll hear either way in the next week...i'm just trying to remember that God has His timing, in all things.

spring is in the air...

and even though it bothers my allergies, it is beautiful.

spring feels differently this year. i remember the springs from each of my years here at usc, and they all have been different.  my freshmen year, spring was a time of happiness and hope: i was just getting into rhythm  here at school, had found great friends, and felt like i really had found my place in this college world.  my sophomore year, spring denoted change: going away on summer missions, ministry transitions, and yet it was beautiful because we cherished every moment we had with friends who were graduating that spring.  my junior year, spring was bright and beautiful, but there was fear lurking in my heart: i worried that FUGE (and philly) wasn't going to be all that i had imagined, and i was afraid of what was next, especially with my new leadership in ministry.  this spring is different from all the rest. it is beautiful, and fragrant, and mysterious, and sad, all at once.  beautiful, because i know this is the perfect ending to an incredible time in college.  mysterious, because i feel like i'm just around the corner of what is next, even though i can't quite grasp it.  sad, because i know it's the last spring here. it's the last spring i'll walk down the horseshoe and see people playing ultimate. it's the last spring for baseball. it's the last time i'll see the dogwoods bloom here, with these people. i just want to cherish every moment of this, and not be sad or overwhelmed or frustrated (though it's my tendency to feel these things), because i know life and memories have already been made here, and what is next is up to God. 

updates after time in a remote village in poland...

wow. what a week it was! what a blessing. yet my heart aches, because we had to leave the Roma people. my heart aches because of the oppression and darkness in their society. and my heart rejoices because of the beauty of the goss family, and the love of the Roma believers, and my assurance that God is not through there and is going to do some miraculous things among those people.


amazing week. amazing place. amazing people.