a childhood memory.

with the craziness of tonight, i was on facebook and came across some pictures from my elementary school best friend's life.  i was reminded of how much our lives were entangled.  we're still friends, but distance and time have taken their toll and we haven't gotten to really catch up in a little over two years.  yet, when i think about simplicity and joy and my childhood, i think about marianne's house.  riding horses.  swinging across the creek.  hearing her family play and sing as the sun set and twilight fell on the foothills.  playing hide and go seek.  sitting on her hardwood floor and being able to look way up, all the way to the ceiling, because their house was so...tall.  i think that's the word for it. 

anyways, so that's what i think of sometimes when i think of my childhood.  marianne's family, and her siblings, were a family to me in a way that my own couldn't be that those times, because of difficult circumstances and sickness and other issues.  

so, what childhood memory gives you peace?

in retrospect.

this year has been different so far.  in both good and bad ways.  different people, different responsibilities, different location...the location is DEFINITELY a lot better, though i miss being in the city of philadelphia.  in other ways, it is the same.  students, adults, staff...all have needs that can only be met by Christ alone.  students go through trials and difficulties.  staffers fall in love with ministry and their city and sites.  it's comforting that though the people alongside me, and the theme and scenery, differ....there is reassurance that ministry is always ministry...and i like that a whole lot.

i'm finding that i'm warming up to differences. in less than two months, my life is going to change drastically.  i'm going to be in a new state, with new people, doing different things.  as scary as that is, i think i'm ready, and i think i'll be okay...

it has come to my attention that not everything in life is black and white. i think it's something i've learned a lot over the past few years, but it's only recently that i am seeing the applications and truth in the statement.  life is never perfect.  sadness is never perfectly sad, nor is goodness always perfectly good.  i've come to realize that emotions and responsibilities mix, and though we can rely on the Truth of our Savior, the line is still blurred in other instances.

i'm glad life's not perfect.  or black and white.  i'm thankful for the blurs.  one time on a blog, i wrote about life being messy, and coloring outside the lines, and chaos.  i still think that's true.  

meditate on this picture from kim walker's song "how He loves us"...

so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

i also love the imagery from one of my favorite david crowder quotes...

"when our depravity meets His divinity, it is a divine collision"

i would write more, much more, about the week and camp and life in general, but these are the thoughts in my heart at this very moment, so....yep. 

a bead, a bean, and a touch of hope.

i own three northface articles, two of which are bookbags.  the other i own is a jacket.  it's a treasured possession, not because it is a nice jacket, but because of the wear and tear and mementoes i have stored away inside the pockets. 

a bead.  a bean. a touch of hope.  glue on the sleeves from craft projects with children who didn't even speak my language. a bean and beads that were in the floor, while i was trying to clean up, that i haphazardly stuffed into my pocket and forgot to throw away.  and four months later...they are still there.

each time i reach into my pocket, i feel these things, and i remember. i remember the roma.  the goss family.  the light that is shining in the darkness of the romany in eastern europe.  the sheer provision and power of God, and how i....could only be silent that week in His undeniable presence.

the pictures on the screens are more than faces of romany...they are people i know, that i lived life with for a week.  they have names, and wishes, and desires, and hearts.  as the script says, "i am not a mission...i am a person." 

i feel the bead, and the bean, and i remember the touch of hope and why i do what i do--to see the love of Christ showered out onto the nations.  

i'm really glad...

that God gives us what we need, and not what we want--or think we want.  if the second were true, i'd probably be really unhappy and miserable and...not who God created me to be.  so, i'm thankful for the "no's" and for the "my grace is sufficient for now" and the situations that don't work out, because when better things come around that do, it reminds us that life is crazy and difficult and beautiful and messy and....divine.  a divine plan.