wow....
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tonight i had a look through my 2007-2008 planner. not sure why i keep it, but i just had it around and was searching for my eternally lost watch when i came across it and decided to take a look. in some senses, not much has changed. my life is still dominated by academics, bcm, etc., but in other manners it has changed a lot. like, i see all the preparation and work i really did put into last year--things i had forgotten about. and it gives me a little more reassurance that i'm right where i'm supposed to be right now. even more, it reminds me that God is in control--i wasn't sure what life was going to be like a year ago now (does that make any sense? haha...). i guess what i'm trying to say is that a year ago, i wouldn't have thought things would be the way they are now...in some good ways, and in some not-so-good ways. but it reminds me, more than anything, that God is so in charge of all of this, not me. i'm so thankful.
ahhhhh!
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do you ever feel like life is speeding up and you just want it to slow down? part of me LOVES being a planner and having everything that i have to do on a calender. the other part of me just gets SUPER SUPER overwhelmed....ahhh!!! senior thesis is coming up, as well as seminary applications and scholarship applications--neither of which have deadlines until the spring, BUT...i really need to go ahead and work on them now, so i can find out sooner, so i can make my decision!!
speaking of seminary...i'm kind of thinking about moving to birmingham. random, i know. but beeson divinity school is there, and it's a great school. i have some friends nearby. it'd be a change of pace from north and south carolina (sadly, i would still be in southern culture, alas). i'm just not sure yet, though. i'll figure it out along the way, i suppose.
you know what makes you feel better when you don't know where you are going to go to seminary? eating french toast sticks. so that's what i'm gonna do.
speaking of seminary...i'm kind of thinking about moving to birmingham. random, i know. but beeson divinity school is there, and it's a great school. i have some friends nearby. it'd be a change of pace from north and south carolina (sadly, i would still be in southern culture, alas). i'm just not sure yet, though. i'll figure it out along the way, i suppose.
you know what makes you feel better when you don't know where you are going to go to seminary? eating french toast sticks. so that's what i'm gonna do.
you should probably know...
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that i write, when i need to vent.
that i write, when i feel like i have no control over anything.
that i write, when i'm not sure what else to do.
so i put pencil to paper, or my fingers to the keys, and i let loose streams of words, that don't always make sense. that aren't proofread, or filtered. i write from my heart, and sometimes that's a little fuzzy, a little blurry, and a little different.
tonight, i feel confused and alone. i'm not sure why. i think finally everything is catching up to me. every single thing. i feel like no one understands any of this. as i watch my video from the summer--i feel like life was so much easier then, and that i knew what i was doing. i feel like people trust me too much to do the "right" thing. they say i'll know where the "right" place is for me to be. but how do they know? and what makes them think that i will know, either?
that i write, when i feel like i have no control over anything.
that i write, when i'm not sure what else to do.
so i put pencil to paper, or my fingers to the keys, and i let loose streams of words, that don't always make sense. that aren't proofread, or filtered. i write from my heart, and sometimes that's a little fuzzy, a little blurry, and a little different.
tonight, i feel confused and alone. i'm not sure why. i think finally everything is catching up to me. every single thing. i feel like no one understands any of this. as i watch my video from the summer--i feel like life was so much easier then, and that i knew what i was doing. i feel like people trust me too much to do the "right" thing. they say i'll know where the "right" place is for me to be. but how do they know? and what makes them think that i will know, either?
i miss...
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i want community. and i don't have it anymore. and i want it back. and i want the next place i move, to have community. lots of it. and i'm scared that i'll make the wrong decision and wind up where i am now. and i really just need someone to tell me to shut up and to stop worrying, and that everything will turn out okay in the end.
okay?
okay?
o.a.r. sings the soundtrack to my life...
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or, well, actually they just sing one song. but it's a good song.
my favorite part of the lyrics:
in a way, i need a change
from this burnout scene
another time, another town, another everything
but it's always back to you
stumble out, in the night
from the pouring rain
made the block, sat and thought
there's more i need
it's always back to you
but i'm good without ya
yeah, i'm good without you
yeah, yeah, yeah
how many times can i break till i shatter?
over the line can't define what i'm after
i always turn the car around
give me a break let me make my own pattern
all that it takes is some time
but i'm shattered
i always turn the car around
i have to confess that i don't exactly know what's going on in my life right now. i also have to confess that i know it's going to be okay. do you ever feel like you are just about to let go. at the line. ready to shatter. that's how i feel right now, and i don't exactly know where to turn, or who to turn to...nothing feels right anymore. i want things to feel right again. my head knows that God is in control, but i need Him to whisper it to my heart and remind me...right now, i just feel like everything is chaos and i'm standing in the middle, screaming, but no one really hears. i just want someone to listen for once.
my favorite part of the lyrics:
in a way, i need a change
from this burnout scene
another time, another town, another everything
but it's always back to you
stumble out, in the night
from the pouring rain
made the block, sat and thought
there's more i need
it's always back to you
but i'm good without ya
yeah, i'm good without you
yeah, yeah, yeah
how many times can i break till i shatter?
over the line can't define what i'm after
i always turn the car around
give me a break let me make my own pattern
all that it takes is some time
but i'm shattered
i always turn the car around
i have to confess that i don't exactly know what's going on in my life right now. i also have to confess that i know it's going to be okay. do you ever feel like you are just about to let go. at the line. ready to shatter. that's how i feel right now, and i don't exactly know where to turn, or who to turn to...nothing feels right anymore. i want things to feel right again. my head knows that God is in control, but i need Him to whisper it to my heart and remind me...right now, i just feel like everything is chaos and i'm standing in the middle, screaming, but no one really hears. i just want someone to listen for once.
the power of positive thinking
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lately, i'm noticing the power of positive thinking. in specifics, i'm noticing just how positive i've been--kind of as a before-and-after with camp. life before camp was hard, and life after camp is hard, but i know because God is sovereign, He's in control. it makes life a whole lot easier. so negativity becomes much easier to shun, and it seem you find the urge to squelch it. to make people stop being negative, which is easier said than done.
i just feel in control right now, in this very moment, and it is a wonderful feeling. i feel like God is taking care of it all. i mean, i might start freaking out tomorrow, but tonight i'm at peace.
did i mention i love fall, and the fact that next week is going to be in the 60s? if i ever do get married (and it's looking pretty doubtful), it's going to be in the fall. i've been through too much crap in the fall, so it needs to redeem itself, and it is the most beautiful time of the year. you know, the whole beauty is in the fact that these leaves are so brilliant as they are finally dying...how beautiful we would be if we died a little to ourselves every day, and i think that is a wonderful portrait of what marriage could be.
i just feel in control right now, in this very moment, and it is a wonderful feeling. i feel like God is taking care of it all. i mean, i might start freaking out tomorrow, but tonight i'm at peace.
did i mention i love fall, and the fact that next week is going to be in the 60s? if i ever do get married (and it's looking pretty doubtful), it's going to be in the fall. i've been through too much crap in the fall, so it needs to redeem itself, and it is the most beautiful time of the year. you know, the whole beauty is in the fact that these leaves are so brilliant as they are finally dying...how beautiful we would be if we died a little to ourselves every day, and i think that is a wonderful portrait of what marriage could be.
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