life, love, and laughter, and everything in between.

in the last month, my world has changed more than i ever thought it could. i've realized that even though not everyone sticks around, God has shown me--in some pretty cool ways--that some people do.

i feel more grown-up now in this point in my life than i did even two months ago. the fact that i drove to birmingham alone, in my mom's car, was a pretty freaking big deal. and that i visited a school there, and interviewed. and that i'm going to visit a school in raleigh in a few weeks, also alone. i feel grown-up making these decisions, but it's a good feeling. like i'm taking what's next in my own hands, and trusting the Creator with it all.

it's weird, but good. yes, that's my synopsis. weird but good :-)

what's your biggest fear?

what's the biggest fear you have? i've had a lot of them through the years. since i was little, i have been terrified of heights--even when i was a toddler, if my mom would sit me on the counter or table to help her do something, i would seriously freak out. later that ended up giving me a HUGE fear of airplanes--one that i have dealt with, and gotten over, slowly.

i also used to have a huge fear of spiders. not small spiders, but the big ones. maybe it's their legs, or how they move--or those wolf spiders, that can jump. it just freaks me out. and snakes. the way snakes slither, and how sneaky and fast they can be...that really freaks me out. but last semester, i took this natural history class where i actually had to be around HUGE spiders (like BIGGER than my hand kind of spiders), and snakes. i still don't like them, but i'm not quite so scared of them anymore.

so my question, really, is this...why are we so afraid? so afraid of failure, so afraid of loss, so afraid of betrayal and loneliness...i don't have a solution for it. however, in my past experiences, riding on an airplane helped calm my fears of planes. being around spiders helped me to freak out less when i saw a spider in my apartment. and yet, being rejected and lonely hasn't helped any of my fears of being lonely or being rejected but instead made them deeper and much more powerful.

so my solution to this is to throw worry to the wind...i want to live like switchfoot's new song, "awakening."

here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
we're awakening
here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
we're awakening
maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
about a dream,
we're awakening

i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to know that my heart's still beating,
it's beating, i'm bleeding.
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to live like i know what i'm leaving
i want to know that my heart's still beating,
is beating, is beating, it's beating, i'm bleeding

so i was listening to the song "say" by john mayer the other day. i really like that song. it's a powerful message--the message to "say what you need to say"...but that's so hard to do sometimes, especially when the very thing you say will change your life forever--maybe in a good way, or in a bad way. how has it become that words are so powerful they can rip through our society? it's an interesting concept, at the end of the day...because when you "say what you need to say", it's out there, you're vulnerable, exposed, and rid of the secrets. and the bad part, is that you are vulnerable, exposed, and rid of the secrets--and the ball is in someone else's court, so you are no longer in control. so when to speak, and when to keep silent? it's the eternal question.

this is what it feels like..

the theme song of the day is "lose control" by audio adrenaline. it's a good song. i forgot just how much i really like it. it's one of my favorite audio adrenaline songs, especially today. i feel like i've lost control today, and all i want is my control back...but deeper than that is the work of the mysterious Father, who loves us until it hurts. i want things to be right again, but tonight i want to rest in the peace of knowing Christ is in control of all things, and that beyond that, there's nothing i can do of my own accord, in heaven or earth.

this is what it feels like, to lose control
this is what it feels like, to be left alone
this is what it feels like, to reach the end
this is what it feels like, to lose a friend

God came down and walked beside me
God came down, He sent friends to guide me
God came down, to remind me
this is what it feels like to be loved

this is what it feels like, to face the truth
this is what it feels like, to know it's through
this is what it feels like, to say goodbye
this is what it feels like, for a man to cry...

this is what it feels like to be loved
~audio adrenaline

not a day goes by...

when i don't think of you.

i know, it's one of those cliche old country songs...but it's true. not a day goes by when i don't think of those friends who are far away, those close in soul and spirit.

i'm thankful for the memories i have, even if the actuality is that they are so far away right now.

sixteen things

one of my friends on facebook did this, and thought it would be fun...so here are sixteen random things you probably never knew about me...

1. my favorite song of all time, hands down, is "drops of jupiter" by train...my favorite part is the refrain:
can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you
even when i know you're wrong
can you imagine no first dance,
freeze-dried romance
five hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had
and me?

2. i'm one of the most frugal people you'll ever meet--and not in a good way! i tend to be a hoarder, but God is teaching me more about using my money and letting myself enjoy what i've earned...

3. i'm an honest-to-goodness neat freak.

4. i love, love, love christmas music. and the lights. and the season in general.

5. i'm a good gift-giver. at least, for people i know well.

6. when i get sad, i listen to mmmbop. when i'm mad, i listen to linkin park. when i'm having a dreary and dreadful day, i listen to mat kearney.

7. i'm a little bit in love with very big cities.

8. i'd rather take public transportation than drive.

9. i love how vinegar smells.

10. i usually wear my harvard tee-shirt for my hardest exam of the semester. just seems like good luck.

11. i have a hard time trusting people most days.

12. i really like to read...almost anything.

13. i'm finding as i get older and like more guys...that all the guys i like are the same in a lot of weird and disturbing ways.

14. i like to be able to find words to express how i feel, and i usually have to do this through writing.

15. i have a secret obsession with grands cinnabon cinnamon rolls.

16. my favorite thing to find on the TV? a toss-up between boy meets world reruns, that 70s show, gilmore girls, stormchaser/storm shows, or some interesting documentary on TLC.

sweet reminders

so it's 12:41am and i cannot sleep. not a serious problem, since i don't have to get up before 9:00am until thursday of this week, but i'm tired. just not sleepy. haha.



tonight was a sweet reminder of how life's come full circle in some ways. with friendships, and boys, and just...life. it's nice to see how some things don't change. how some people are by your side, through it all. sure, it's hard when people walk away and walk out of your life, and it will happen...but if you get lucky, you'll have some people who stick around. and maybe even some who walk back in your life later.



i have so much on my mind right now at this time of year. it's a hard time of year for me...a lot of difficult and painful memories are associated with thanksgiving and christmas...but for some reason, every year, i find i love Christmas more and more. this idea of joy in the darkness, of peace and purpose in the pain. the fact that so many things happened around this time makes the season that much sweeter, because i know Christ came and was human, and experienced all of this, and is yet fully man and fully God. such a comfort.

i take joy in the future..i know God's provisions are perfect. i can see that, now, as i look at the past...