life

is short. as i sit and watch gilmore girls before i have lunch and get ready for my day (which includes picking up my cap and gown, getting a large strawberry limeade and tater tots from sonic, leadership team meeting, work, and another meeting), i was thinking about life and realized that it is short.

not necessarily short as in too few days (though it could be), but short as in it goes by so stinking fast. i mean, i don't feel like i should be graduating college already, and for some crazy reason i am. and i was thinking about how sometimes life just passes you by. and i think in some ways i've let life pass me by. i've hid behind my fear. i've allowed circumstances to get the best of me. in some ways, i've taken huge chances...but in others, especially a few that really do matter, i've backed away and let fear get the best of me. now, i don't know that my life would be any different had i stepped up to the challenge and been a little more...honest. in truth--probably not. but, the thing is, is that sometimes you really do just have to channel john mayer and "say what you need to say." even if it scares the crap out of you.

frustration and stress

so i know it's only february, but let me tell you, i am already frustrated about what is going to happen in a few months. especially the packing up my entire life here and moving it six hours away...and then starting to work camp soon after that. i'm excited and extremely grateful for another summer to work camp, i just didn't quite realize that i would be working so soon after graduation. and that, my friends, stresses me out. in fact, i'm sitting here eating these mega pizza rolls just thinking about it.

and also my feeling stress me out. i wish i didn't have them, sometimes. most of the time. i just...i have to stop trusting my instinct. like, sometimes something feels right, and it's so not...but sometimes the things that are right, don't feel right at all. so, i don't know what to feel, or at least, what to let myself feel. and my emotions sure are not listening to my head right now, which is probably half of the problem. the other half of the problem is that i'm oblivious.

so for now, i'm going to sigh and enjoy the moment. not worry about what's next. not focus on tomorrow or yesterday. i'm going to put on my PJs and read and trust in God's grace. i'm going to journal my little heart out, in hopes that writing things will make them go away. i'm going to try and trust that God really does know better than i do, and i'm going to be thankful for what i have, instead of missing what i don't (or what i want).

life, love, and laughter, and everything in between.

in the last month, my world has changed more than i ever thought it could. i've realized that even though not everyone sticks around, God has shown me--in some pretty cool ways--that some people do.

i feel more grown-up now in this point in my life than i did even two months ago. the fact that i drove to birmingham alone, in my mom's car, was a pretty freaking big deal. and that i visited a school there, and interviewed. and that i'm going to visit a school in raleigh in a few weeks, also alone. i feel grown-up making these decisions, but it's a good feeling. like i'm taking what's next in my own hands, and trusting the Creator with it all.

it's weird, but good. yes, that's my synopsis. weird but good :-)

what's your biggest fear?

what's the biggest fear you have? i've had a lot of them through the years. since i was little, i have been terrified of heights--even when i was a toddler, if my mom would sit me on the counter or table to help her do something, i would seriously freak out. later that ended up giving me a HUGE fear of airplanes--one that i have dealt with, and gotten over, slowly.

i also used to have a huge fear of spiders. not small spiders, but the big ones. maybe it's their legs, or how they move--or those wolf spiders, that can jump. it just freaks me out. and snakes. the way snakes slither, and how sneaky and fast they can be...that really freaks me out. but last semester, i took this natural history class where i actually had to be around HUGE spiders (like BIGGER than my hand kind of spiders), and snakes. i still don't like them, but i'm not quite so scared of them anymore.

so my question, really, is this...why are we so afraid? so afraid of failure, so afraid of loss, so afraid of betrayal and loneliness...i don't have a solution for it. however, in my past experiences, riding on an airplane helped calm my fears of planes. being around spiders helped me to freak out less when i saw a spider in my apartment. and yet, being rejected and lonely hasn't helped any of my fears of being lonely or being rejected but instead made them deeper and much more powerful.

so my solution to this is to throw worry to the wind...i want to live like switchfoot's new song, "awakening."

here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
we're awakening
here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
we're awakening
maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
about a dream,
we're awakening

i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to know that my heart's still beating,
it's beating, i'm bleeding.
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to live like i know what i'm leaving
i want to know that my heart's still beating,
is beating, is beating, it's beating, i'm bleeding

so i was listening to the song "say" by john mayer the other day. i really like that song. it's a powerful message--the message to "say what you need to say"...but that's so hard to do sometimes, especially when the very thing you say will change your life forever--maybe in a good way, or in a bad way. how has it become that words are so powerful they can rip through our society? it's an interesting concept, at the end of the day...because when you "say what you need to say", it's out there, you're vulnerable, exposed, and rid of the secrets. and the bad part, is that you are vulnerable, exposed, and rid of the secrets--and the ball is in someone else's court, so you are no longer in control. so when to speak, and when to keep silent? it's the eternal question.

this is what it feels like..

the theme song of the day is "lose control" by audio adrenaline. it's a good song. i forgot just how much i really like it. it's one of my favorite audio adrenaline songs, especially today. i feel like i've lost control today, and all i want is my control back...but deeper than that is the work of the mysterious Father, who loves us until it hurts. i want things to be right again, but tonight i want to rest in the peace of knowing Christ is in control of all things, and that beyond that, there's nothing i can do of my own accord, in heaven or earth.

this is what it feels like, to lose control
this is what it feels like, to be left alone
this is what it feels like, to reach the end
this is what it feels like, to lose a friend

God came down and walked beside me
God came down, He sent friends to guide me
God came down, to remind me
this is what it feels like to be loved

this is what it feels like, to face the truth
this is what it feels like, to know it's through
this is what it feels like, to say goodbye
this is what it feels like, for a man to cry...

this is what it feels like to be loved
~audio adrenaline

not a day goes by...

when i don't think of you.

i know, it's one of those cliche old country songs...but it's true. not a day goes by when i don't think of those friends who are far away, those close in soul and spirit.

i'm thankful for the memories i have, even if the actuality is that they are so far away right now.