i hate this about myself...

well, there are lots of things i don't like about myself, but last night, i rediscovered one thing that i do that drives me crazy (driving myself crazy...that's kind of weird to say...)

i can't seem to not think. you know those people who can turn their brains off, and forget things, and relax or read or watch TV or, i don't know, sleep? yeah...i'm not one of those people.

i am blessed because i can somewhat control what i think about--for instance: i really don't want to think about leaving, just because it is inevitably going to be difficult. i don't want to think about birmingham, at least not in the real sense that i'm actually going to be there, because again, i'm leaving, and i also have no where to live. so, my brain is smart. instead, my brain focuses on camp stuff and every aspect of camp, in overdrive. which helps me get excited about camp--so it's somewhat helpful i suppose. my brain is skilled at this, because i also was able to do this last year (focus on being BCM president and school) to ignore the other elephants in the figurative room.

however...eventually, my brain has to stop. not stop thinking, but stop pretending. so, when i finally bring myself to go to sleep, and i am TERRIBLY exhausted...i can't sleep! i'm finished with camp stuff for the day, so my brain doesn't know what to do, and turns to the next grueling thing on my mind. moving. leaving. goodbyes. housing. alabama.

it makes me really not like my brain sometime, even though it is an incredibly effective organ. i wish i could just....shut it off for a few hours of peace.

thank you for being a friend.

so let me just say, this has been a CRAZY busy weekend. so last night, as we were working on costumes for gender wars (heroes in a half-shell...haha...), i discovered that the air in my apartment was...broken. actually, mike tucker discovered it. anna told me it wasn't hot in there, to make me feel better. according to my kitchen digital thermometer (which is a REALLY good thing to have!) it was 85 degrees. definitely broken.  just when i thought things couldn't get any crazier...

the good thing, is that i have amazing friends. anna, mike, and kerri helped pack up all the costume stuff while i got my stuff together, after kerri invited me to stay at her apartment.  i fully enjoyed sleeping on a couch in a room with central air that actually worked.  and even though there were not my plans for today, still--it worked out pretty well in the end. i get to have lunch with kerri and work on gender wars stuff, and the air in my apartment gets to be fixed. it's pretty awesome. i'm glad i have great friends around here...i just need to get them to move to birmingham.  

some truths.

i've discovered as of late that i've become a very bluntly honest person.  i can say almost anything around those i care about, and feel safe. it's nice to know i can share my opinion and not be shot, even if i am the person who will say what everyone else is thinking. so, here are some current truths:

1. i'm excited, and nervous, and scared about moving to birmingham. i never thought anyone could feel all these things at once, but, apparently you can. and i do, on a day-to-day basis.  

2. i love to talk on the phone.  people who don't know me well think i am really quiet, but....i like to talk a lot, especially to good friends. i'm more relational than i ever thought.  this means that i also use probably over a thousand minutes a month, sometimes a lot more.  

3. as i get older, i realize more and more the effects of not really having a father, especially around marriages. if i were ever to get married, there would be no point in having a traditional marriage. i don't want someone to fill a symbolic role like giving me away, when i wasn't ever really "theirs" to give.  i wish things could have turned out differently, but they didn't, and they aren't ever going to be how they should....and i'm growing to be more okay with that. 

4. i'm realizing the struggle i will face in seminary will be maintaining my spiritual walk in a world where i am constantly studying the Bible and Scriptures in an academic manner. i will have to discipline myself to continue to seek God's guidance through prayer and quiet times--something i've always struggled with.  

that's enough truth, and bearing my soul, for now.  well, maybe one more, a fun truth...

5. i make things valid on facebook...when it goes on facebook, it becomes a little more real--which is why i added samford to my networks, FUGE to my jobs, and changed my activities.  i'm glad facebook is a method of moving on, lol.

or maybe two..

6. red and blue m&ms are my favorite, because i think they taste the best.  i really do.   the whole, artificial flavoring tastes the same defense does not get by me! the peanut ones are the most wonderful.  

aren't you thankful?

i'm supposed to be writing a paper, but i had inspiration to write, so...here i am, writing.  

do you ever sit back and think about how your life was? do you ever think back over all the selfish prayers you've prayed? my past petitions to God have been pretty memorable, and as i reflect on graduating and moving, the last few days have brought these desires back to my mind.

i'm SO glad that God doesn't answer some prayers.  i'm so glad that He knows what is best for me--and doesn't let me decide.  i've prayed some pretty self-centered and stupid prayers.  and they weren't answered the way i would have liked. and it made me angry and confused at the time, but now....i'm really thankful.  

aren't you glad that He knows what is best for you?  even when it doesn't make sense? it makes me pretty thankful, as i think back and realize how crappy my life would be right now, if i got everything i wanted.  

let it go...

my friend misti inspired me with her song lyrics.  this morning, as i was finally getting ready and being SO thankful that i was finished with that dumb poem, i stumbled across this song on my shuffle. 

let it go

let it roll right off your shoulders

don't you know

the hardest part is over

let it in,

let your clarity define you

in the end, we will only just remember

how it feels

i want, i so want, for my clarity to define me right now.  some moments seem so clear and so beautiful and so perfect. today, i had one of those moments.  i was sitting outside, talking to one of my best friends on the phone about nothing at all, and i had one of those moments.  a moment of complete clarity. i wish i had them more. i wish they lasted.  mostly, i have moments of confusion, and doubt, and fear.  lots of those moments.  but in "these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate," i'd like some things to be clear. 

i abhor..

writing in iambic pentatmeter. or any kind of stupid, regular rhythm. and goodbyes.

the end.

the greatest (love) story ever told...

otherwise known as elevation pt. 2.  today was absolutely incredible, and i'm glad i was able to experience worship there again.  

two significant things i realized today:

1. we really live out the greatest love story ever told.  forget the notebook, romeo and juliet, taylor swift (gag), twilight (yawn).  God, in the flesh, came down from heaven, took on human form, and died for my sins--before anyone reading this blog was physically conceived!  what's more, is that he loves me in spite of all my mess-ups and failures.  and that's pretty amazing. 

2. we spend way too much time complaining and not enough time praising. i can think of about fifteen things (finances, friendships, moving, housing for next year, camp, graduation, family issues...that's only seven, but that's just off the top of my head) that i've worried or stressed about in the last week. and yet, the words of Psalm 103 are true.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, praise His holy name..."

i'm telling myself, cast off the worry and doubt and fear.  the God that provided for my salvation through the horrendous death of His only son, and who became flesh to see to it that this was accomplished, will take care of me.  He's forgiven me.  He loves me.  He wraps His arms around me each day and night and only wants me to come and rest in Him.  So, isn't this enough?

i'm challenging myself to write in my prayer journal every day this week. it's going to be a hard week, with a lot of lasts.  but in every journal even with the sadness, i am determined to find specific things to praise God for on that day, even if it a painful day.  

Bless Him, who is so good to his wavering, unfaithful, and prodigal children.