so i know i just posted yesterday, but more than likely, this will be the last post i have a for a while.  today is our sabbath during training week--a day of rest.  we're not supposed to do anything to prepare for camp today (even though i may cheat just a little because i need to fill out some forms....otherwise, i'm resting).  my plans for today include going to walmart, getting real food for dinner, and talking on the phone--a LOT. i'm pretty excited. 

now some of you may be wondering what camp looks like, logistically. we'll have our first youth groups and adults come in on monday, where we will welcome them, organize them into their various Bible studies, have an opening program, meet in Bible studies, then send them off to their church group devotions while we take care of paperwork and the 411.  

for me, tuesdays through fridays look a bit like this: staff meeting quiet time, lead my students in Bible study, go to AM show (a pump-up show we have before site--lots of high energy), go to ministry sites in greenville, come back and shower because i'm nasty, dinner, worship, visit with my host church for the week, staff meeting/fellowship/worship/devotional, night life (fun activity for campers), hang out time/work in FUGE store, bed.  my days will typically run from around 6:50am to 11:00pm, so...those are long days.  but...i love camp.  it's in my blood and it's totally worth the exhaustion.  

'tis the season, and camp is here! 

home.

one of my favorite songs is by chantal kreviazuk, titled "feels like home."

it feels like home to me

it feels like home to me

it feels like i'm all the way back

where i belong...

i spent a week in my physical home, in western north carolina, before i left for camp. i called columbia my "home away from home" for four years during college.  even in north greenville, i am reminded of my physical home because of the mountains.  i am soon relocating to birmingham, where i will have a new life and a new home....

and yet, i'm confused about where is home.  i haven't felt "at home" in many of those places in a long time.  when was the last time i really felt at home? in a big city.  philadelphia. new york. boston.  my heart longs to be in the northeast, but it has to be content where God has placed me for now. i have no doubt that someday, among the skyscrapers and pollution and busy streets and many languages and trains and poverty, i will make my home. 

so...i guess my next question is, where do you consider home? is it where you are from? where you are? or a destination that you have yet to call your physical address?

a new thing.

there's this poignant chapter in isaiah, somewhere in the 40s as far as chapters go (i'm writing this quickly before breakfast, so no time to find the actual reference), in which the LORD tells his people about doing a new thing and making a new way post-exile. they longed for the times before the exile and for the memories they had of what life was supposed to be like.

i find myself in that place right now. i'm definitely not saying i just went through an exile or anything crazy like that! what i am saying is that it is difficult not to long for things in the past.  camp wise, i love my staff this year...part of my heart is still (and probably will always be) in philadelphia though. i'm working through that and trying to let God do a new thing.  

i will find myself in that place after camp.  i can lie to myself during camp and let myself believe that i am only here for the summer and then will return to columbia and BCM and the familiar.  however...that is a lie.  one that will become evidently false when i prepare to physically move myself to alabama (by myself, i mean only myself. and my clothes. my stuff is already there).  God is trying to do something new, but i'm too hung up on what He did in the past and the comfort there to allow Him to move in the present and the future. now, doesn't that sound stupid?

so...embrace the new-ness of life. every day. memories are wonderful things...but more are created every day, so...make them!  remember God was faithful, and because He was faithful in that comfortable place--He will continue to be faithful.  that's the cry of my heart this morning and what i want myself to live by.  

every new beginning...

comes from some other beginning's end.

tomorrow begins another beginning, another summer of camp. i'm going to be on a different staff, in a different state, working with different people from last year. i've longed for philadelphia since i left last july, but God's will for me is here, even if it's hard to accept that.

i'm excited about what's to come, though it will be different. i know there's a reason i've been placed here, and a purpose. maybe i'll figure out it, or maybe i'll never know. i'm just trying to be willing and positive and look toward what's to come, and the many new friends i will make, and being able to serve again in such an awesome way.

so, if you get the chance, lift myself and my team in your prayers. pray for adults and students coming to camp, that God will give them willing and open hearts to serve and to learn. pray for the work that will be done in the upstate, and for God to use that for His glory. pray for staff unity. pray for physical, emotional, and spiritual strength for those on my team.

for me...my prayers are a little different. pray that i will not compare this summer to last summer, but will just enjoy being a part of this again. pray that i will find my place on this staff, and build lasting relationships. pray for a whole lot of energy and patience, and discernment as i teach some difficult aspects of the Word. pray for wisdom and creativity to come and teach me different ways to minister to others. pray that God will use me, in some simple way, to help make a small difference in someone's life this summer, and that it will be for His glory and definitely not for mine.

to my friends in SC--please come visit! i would love to see y'all, and you can check out FUGE and see how we do things...just let me know.

i also really like mail. i mean, i really do...

Centrifuge/M-Fuge Staff
North Greenville University
Box C2
Tigerville, SC 29688

so, what if today was your last day?

one of the things i'm currently observing in pop culture is this real trend toward the fraility of life. i know, it's shocking, especially when you hear about actors and musicians and stars who put themselves in dangerous situations and just barely walk out alive--maybe this is the hollywood response to this, i'm not sure.

meredith asked on grey's anatomy, "if this was your last day on earth, how would you want to spend it?" in a 2006 episode of grey's anatomy.

john mayer sings, "you better know that in end/it's better to say too much/than never to say what you need to say again..."in his hit single, "say", released last summer.

nickelback has jumped on the current band wagon. the band just released "if today was your last day"....here's a portion of my favorite part of the song:

if today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late

could you say goodbye to yesterday?

would you live each moment like your last,

leave old pictures in the past,

donate every dime you had?

and would you call those old friends you never see?

reminisce old memories?

would you forgive your enemies?

and would you find the one you're dreaming of..

The ending lyrics remind listeners: "so do whatever it takes/'cause you can't rewind a moment in this life." Isn't that so, so true...life is fragile, and brief, and short, and the next second is a gift and not a promise. I can count on two hands the moments in my twenty-two years that have been "perfect." The moments where, if i were to die right then, I would be satisfied with what I was doing and how I was living life. Here are a few:

-my second-to-last day on site in Philly, when one of my students gave away her shoes to a child at Carroll Park.

-the first time I actually "led" trailer park, my sophomore year, and we had tons of students come to work with the kiddos there.

-making stockings at BCM leadership and sharing intangibles with one another

-the first time i ever heard the song, "from the inside out" and i felt this huge yearning inside of me, undoubtedly the finger of God, and my soul longed for the phrase "let justice and praise/become my embrace" to become a true part of my life.

-sitting on the edge of a huge mountain on the parkway with Angel, eating Arby's and reminiscing and enjoying the beauty of friendship.

-calling my mom to tell her i won the concert tickets she had been dreaming of, but couldn't afford, and having her come down to go with me.

-laughing over and over with ellen during summer missions and knowing that i made a true, "for-life" kind of friend

you see, in the perfect moments...material things aren't what matter in them. grades vanish. money isn't relative. it's about relationships. friends. love. fellowship. service. giving. caring. enjoying the beauty of what's there together. i wish i had more of the moments than i could count on two hands.

so, what's one of your perfect moments?

the waiting game.

it's not a game any of us like to play. right now, i'm waiting for camp to start. after camp ends, i'll be waiting to move to birmingham. then, i'll be waiting to find my place in birmingham and to figure out where exactly i fit in all of this.

it's the waiting game. and sometimes, we find out that our timing, well...it isn't God's timing. sometimes i get really frustrated with God's timing. i felt miserable in columbia for a good chunk of my senior year, and yet leaving was really hard. why did things have to get better at the end? as i drove home, i read ecclesiastes (probably not the safest of things to do, mind you!), and thought about how the writer talks about the different times there are for things.

this connected with my quiet time last night--i'm reading through john, and i came to this very interesting passage in john 8 where jesus claims he knows Abraham and is the son of God, and the people want to kill Him. jesus doesn't give himself up. he slips away and hides from those who are angry.

this caused me to think quite a bit. ultimately, Jesus died at the hands of the people, who were angry about His claims of divinity. why didn't Jesus just go ahead and let them kill him? His death would have still brought redemption to humanity, regardless of the timing. so, why not?

because it wasn't time. because there is a time and purpose for everything, and Jesus still had things left to do before His death on the cross. waiting was so important...think of all the miracles and all the lessons He still had to impart on His disciples. there is a reason for waiting.

so anytime i (or you, my few readers), are frustrated about the timing of things and why they won't work out (especially after you tell yourself that this is perfect and thus must be God's plan), remember God's timing. it's different than your's. that's how it is supposed to work.

i'm not sure if this is as coherent as it was when i was reading john at 1am...but i do know, the waiting game stinks. but i'm going to keep waiting. i'm going to hold out. i'm going to tell myself to embrace peace and to know that God's plans and desires for me are better than my own.

ch-ch-ch-changes

so, i am afraid that a lot has happened since i last blogged. i walked across a stage with 1,000 other people and somehow managed to graduate college. i packed up everything i owned and, with some wonderful friends, put it into a van, rode six hours, and put it into a storage unit...in birmingham. that's right, friends. it is the end. my life, as least as i know it right now, is over.

it wasn't until after we had gotten back to columbia and i had gotten in my car and started making that normal drive up I-26 to the 'boro that i realized...it really was over. this might be the last time that i make that drive. i mean, it probably won't be. i'll probably see all of my friends again, and hopefully soon. but, the thing is...is that life happens.

so this is a post to memorialize (is that a word?) the past...and, so it's not so sad, to be hopeful for what's to come.

i was thinking about all of the things i'll miss after living in columbia. my list doesn't consist of the "big" things, but the little things...we make memories in those.

-i'll miss trying to convince everyone to move to birmingham in creative ways. though, i will still continue to do, only through messaging and phone calls and facebook now.

-i'll miss my kiddos at trailer park.

-i'll miss eating philly cheesesteak and having girl time with misti, and our random adventures.

-i'll miss walking down the horseshoe on the first real day of fall in columbia, when it's not so hot that you are miserable.

-i'll miss singing "we hail thee, carolina."

-i'll miss hanging around the center and marcus's pep talks, and giving him a hard time.

-i'll miss driving by the river.

-i'll miss taco tuesday, and the friendships and memories that go along with fellowshipping with other believers.

-i'll miss sunday dinners after church with the poster's, my adopted columbia family.

so these are the things i'll miss, and there are many more of them. BUT...there are also things i will gain the next few months:

-a new life in a new state

-a great education at an awesome seminary, in an absolutely BEAUTIFUL place

-being in a city that i really, really like

-still having supporting mentors around me, like the splawns

-a new church where i can fellowship

-finding my place where i can serve, in different ways, in birmingham

-a job (not hustling, lol), where i can make some money, since i can't live in my storage unit after all

you see, this is the thing, is that there is beauty in the breakdown. right now, i feel like my life is kind of over. but, in august, it will begin. it will be new. it will be hard. there will be many, many, many times when i will wish i was back in columbia, among the familiar and comfortable. but every time i wish this, i will encourage myself to also remember that, four years ago, columbia was also new to me, and terribly difficult. if God can work such miracles out of that freshmen year....then i just need to sit back and relax, and see what's going to happen with this next adventure.

but...if any of my columbia friends want to move to birmingham....i really, and truly, would not object. just saying...good BBQ, good friends, fall, the fact that i'm going to be there....why wouldn't anyone want to move to birmingham? i'm just saying.