i'm leaving to let you go.

today i'm a little blue. i'm back in alabama. i love birmingham. i love beeson. i love christmas time. i love a good victory over clemson.  it just all seems a little...depressing, because i can't love these things while i'm with the people i love.  i miss my family. i miss my friends from college. i miss having all the answers to life.

so, it's rainy, and i'm blue...but, here are some good things to remember:

• it's almost december, and i really do love christmas time, complete with lights and trees and advent calenders.
• i love my family. and i love that my family is okay with the fact that i'll probably never live in rutherford county--that they accept this and still love me for who i am.
• i'm so blessed to have friends all over, and to be an excellent manager of long distance relationships--even if those are sometimes difficult to maintain. 
• i love my macbook. i'm not materialistic, but i really do love it. 
• i love some good christmas music--brad paisley, michael buble, relient k, church music, music at hanging of the greens, music at glorious...and some pandora.
• i love the way a room looks when the lights are dim and a candle is lit.
• i love that i'm almost finished with my first semester of seminary.
• i'm so blessed--to have been able to finish college, and now go to graduate school, and have a job, and a church family, and friends in the area, and the splawns...i'm blessed.

so in the meantime...

i want you to know

i'm leaving to let you go

someday we'll walk upon the streets of gold.

if i just breathe...

it's the beginning of my thanksgiving break, and i can breathe again.  but, breathing's harder than i thought.

when i breathe, i think.  when i have time to think...i wonder.  i wonder if i'm really supposed to be in seminary.  now, i know i'm supposed to serve. i've gotten that down.  i guess i just wonder if other degree programs, like in social work, would have prepared me more.  i wonder if i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life in school.

sometimes i wonder if i really am at school just to get my mrs. degree. i mean, i'm pretty sure i'm not.  there's just so much...pressure, sometimes.  the world tells single people that if they weren't single, they'd be happy. and that's not the truth.

i just feel so unsatisfied with my life right now.  that's a terrible way to put it.  just in this moment, i guess. as i sit on facebook and look back, and think about how things have changed. i love where i'm at, and what i'm doing...i guess i'm just having a moment of frustration, and the crappiness of the paper i just wrote probably doesn't help that very much.

new resolution: adios, facebook.  at least, not as much.

the lines on His face.

tonight i'm about to start writing my 3,000 word paper on "the soil of my life" for spiritual formation.  i'm feeling a bit creative and a bit inspired, and a bit restless.  here's the quote it's going to be based on:

"i am early on my story, but i believe i will stretch out into eternity, and in heaven i will reflect upon these early days, these days when it seemed God was down a dirt road, walking toward me.  years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough i can hear His singing.  soon i will see the lines on His face."
-donald miller

and yes, my new blog is in spanish, and yes, i do love that.

you took my heavy heart and made it light.

have you ever had someone ask you one of those really annoying questions? like, the what would you take on a desert island type questions? they're so difficult to answer, and i usually think of something brilliant to say...five minutes after i've responded.

but, if someone were to ever ask me about my favorite album ever, i'd be able to answer pretty easily, because this one changed my life.

i was in my senior year of high school, and it was november...also known as, my least favorite month of the year. and i was all preoccupied over unrequited love and the like.  and...i was--am--a diehard relient k fan.

i went to our christian bookstore a day before mmhmm came out (to preorder it, because they were offering a special discount!), when the cashiers looked at me in confusion.  they weren't sure what album i was talking about (this is before everybody and their brother became bandwagon fans).  they went back into the stockroom, and emerged with the glorious, shiny, beckoning copy that would soon play repeatedly in my CD player.  i tried repeatedly to explain that this album was not to be released until the next day, but they assured me it was already out. i purchased my album for the discounted price and spent the next month...year...five years...in happiness which is definitely partially a result of this album, which i would argue is their best.

it's honest. it's real. it was good for my teenage angst. and tracks like "life after death and taxes," "i so hate consequences," "who i am hates who i've been," and "let it all out," taught me a lot about life, and myself, and God.

it was and is my favorite. i'm still a little bit--or a lot--in love with matt thiessan. and, on my angry girl days, "which to bury, us or the hatchet?" does make me feel better :)

three months.

tomorrow will [officially] mark the third month of my life in birmingham.  and...i think i've learned a lot.  you see, i think we always learn the same lessons.  what i'm learning today is something i had to learn four years ago, in a different way, and then six years ago, in yet a different way, and i'll probably have to learn and learn again...but God is patient, and good.  so from me to you, a little practical advice on life and love and laughter.

-it all comes down to God's word: He declares Himself forever faithful [exodus 34:6-7] and shows, over and over again in history, that He is in control of everything.  so while i can worry about money issues and life issues and school issues, in the end--He's faithful and it's all in His hands, and to worry and mistrust that is to mistrust Him and His perfect promises.

-my plans, my dreams...well, they shouldn't be mine. and i can let them go...because [again] He is faithful.

-along with that, everything doesn't have to be perfect or fall into place all at once.  these last three months have been beautiful in a chaotic, frustrating, meaningful, complex, and simple kind of way all at once.

so, just in case there aren't enough words for these last months, here are some pictures:

three months and i'm still standing here

three months and i'm getting better, yeah

three months and i still am

three months and it's still harder now

three months i've been living here without you now

three months, yeah, three months

three months and i'm still breathing

three months and i still remember it

three months and i wake up

three months and i'm still sober

picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

                               ~kelly clarkson

this is your life...

[actually...it's not.]

so here's the thing.  my plans, my dreams, my expectations, my hopes, my fears, my...whatever, for my life...well, it's just not my life.  so here it is, all of it.  it's not mine anymore. pry it out of my hands.  wipe away my mind. do something great.  do something i'm not expecting. but just keep reminding me that what i hold so closely to...was never mine to begin with.

[mark 8:35]

honestly,

i hate complication.  i hate awkward situations. i know that, as a female, i'm supposed to thrive on drama, but really...i don't. sometimes i try to make light of awkward situations--even by myself being awkward--to get rid of the tension.  the truth is that i like clarity.  it's probably why i'm the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.  you never have to wonder what i'm thinking--you can always see it clearly on my face. clarity. i used to hate that about myself, but now...i find that it's a pretty desirable trait.

so here's the thing. i wish things weren't unclear. i wish people wore their intentions across their face. while the honesty might be frustrating, at least...it would be clear.

i wonder how many times i've used the word clear so far in this blog? hmm...just four.

but, i guess i've come to realize that complication is a part of life. and life isn't always clear, either.  it's okay to not understand. it's okay to not have all the answers. and, it's okay to wish the people who had the answers would just give them to you.

here's what i think about complication: it makes us appreciate what's clear. and when we're trying to discern in the midst of complication, we can hold onto what we know--about others, and about ourselves, and trust in that.

and in the mean time, we can enjoy life and laugh a lot, and ride with the windows down, and dance around our kitchen to "a girl named tennessee" and take in every moment, even the complicated ones.

because i believe eventually, things will become clear, and i will see fully [1st corinthians 13:12].