reflections.

2009 was a whirlwind.  beautiful and difficult and grandiose and large and painful and joyous.

i learned that sometimes the most peculiar people stick with you, while others surprise you by falling away.  be shocked, be hurt, be humbled--but stick out your hand and nonetheless embrace the ones who choose to stay.

i found that everything--everything--is usually harder than you imagine it to be--but also more worth it in the end.  [except, possibly, for greek]

when packing boxes, label everything.  also, when moving, make sure to write down the code to access your storage unit.  this is vital.

i learned that you're never too old to dream.  you're also never too old to cry to your mother via the phone.

i know now that i'm probably not going to live in the south forever...hopefully 2013 will bring a new region of the country, with new people and new ministry opportunities--though i would love for some familiar faces to travel with me.

i realized that there aren't a lot of easy answers, and that the questions themselves are sometimes more important than the answers.

i learned that there are huge benefits and negatives to living in the central time zone, that milo's is disgusting, and that i really miss beezer's.

so, here's to 2010:

to being back in south carolina for another summer--the state that i once hated--and in charleston, no less.

to attempting to conquer greek and beginning to learn hebrew.

to my ELC babies growing up and walking, and talking, and learning.

to a new addition in my MBBC family :)

to financial provision from the Lord--i always said that, if i could make it through undergrad out of debt, i wouldn't worry about my debt in graduate school. and here's to just that--not worrying my life away [thanks jason mraz]

to taking more risks, being true to my feelings, worrying less, and loving without abandon.

to spending less, giving more, and worshipping truly.

i think it'll be a year to remember. 2009 certainly was.

just because it's Christmas

"but for now, let me say--without hope or agenda, just because it's Christmas [and at Christmas, you tell the truth]...to me, you are perfect."
--love actually

this is quite possibly my favorite christmas movie of all time.  shady, yes. sketchy, oh yes. with many scenes and words that are terribly inappropriate. but, all in all, it's realistic, and honest, and heart warming in an odd way.

so, you want to hear a secret?

[i'd have made a really good 1960's housewife.]

actually, i'd make a really good housewife in general, and here are a few reasons why:

-i can cook. i mean, not just make hamburger helper cook, but actually cook...especially if it is mexican or tex mex
       such as: taco soup, fajitas, taco casserole, hashbrown casserole, spinach manicotti...
      [basically, i should live in texas, but i don't.  whoops]

-i like kids. i mean, i really like kids. like--i like them for a living--or at least, a part-time living. and i actually enjoy it--the feedings, the dirty diapers, the peekaboo, the snotty noses, the crying, the rocking, the leaving drool spots on your shirt from where they've been breathing when they lay on your chest...

-i'm domestic. i clean, i organize, i plan.  and...i actually enjoy all of that.

so, here's the thing:
      i'd make a really good 1960's housewife for someone, but...

      i could never marry someone who only wanted to be with me for that.

because--as much as i like the housewife stuff--there's the other side of me, that's fiercly independent and stubborn and take charge.  the side of me that believes in equality and partnership, not oppression and subservience.

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you.

serendipity.

for three of my favorite girls, one of my favorite movies, and of course--my favorite season of the year:

you got someone else
maybe it's for the best
since i took the cure
for happiness


and i'd trade it all
on a night like this
for your loving arms
and a moonlight kiss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbJsKsdnqZc

"maybe we're lying here because you don't wanna be standing somewhere else."

i'm leaving to let you go.

today i'm a little blue. i'm back in alabama. i love birmingham. i love beeson. i love christmas time. i love a good victory over clemson.  it just all seems a little...depressing, because i can't love these things while i'm with the people i love.  i miss my family. i miss my friends from college. i miss having all the answers to life.

so, it's rainy, and i'm blue...but, here are some good things to remember:

• it's almost december, and i really do love christmas time, complete with lights and trees and advent calenders.
• i love my family. and i love that my family is okay with the fact that i'll probably never live in rutherford county--that they accept this and still love me for who i am.
• i'm so blessed to have friends all over, and to be an excellent manager of long distance relationships--even if those are sometimes difficult to maintain. 
• i love my macbook. i'm not materialistic, but i really do love it. 
• i love some good christmas music--brad paisley, michael buble, relient k, church music, music at hanging of the greens, music at glorious...and some pandora.
• i love the way a room looks when the lights are dim and a candle is lit.
• i love that i'm almost finished with my first semester of seminary.
• i'm so blessed--to have been able to finish college, and now go to graduate school, and have a job, and a church family, and friends in the area, and the splawns...i'm blessed.

so in the meantime...

i want you to know

i'm leaving to let you go

someday we'll walk upon the streets of gold.

if i just breathe...

it's the beginning of my thanksgiving break, and i can breathe again.  but, breathing's harder than i thought.

when i breathe, i think.  when i have time to think...i wonder.  i wonder if i'm really supposed to be in seminary.  now, i know i'm supposed to serve. i've gotten that down.  i guess i just wonder if other degree programs, like in social work, would have prepared me more.  i wonder if i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life in school.

sometimes i wonder if i really am at school just to get my mrs. degree. i mean, i'm pretty sure i'm not.  there's just so much...pressure, sometimes.  the world tells single people that if they weren't single, they'd be happy. and that's not the truth.

i just feel so unsatisfied with my life right now.  that's a terrible way to put it.  just in this moment, i guess. as i sit on facebook and look back, and think about how things have changed. i love where i'm at, and what i'm doing...i guess i'm just having a moment of frustration, and the crappiness of the paper i just wrote probably doesn't help that very much.

new resolution: adios, facebook.  at least, not as much.