an human God

so every once in a while, i'll hear a song, and it'll just GRAB me in some way. like the lyrics will reach out and touch me, deep, in a place i don't go too often. i'm finding more and more that thinking of the human aspect of God touches me in this way.

when i was in high school, one of my absolute favorite shows in the entire world was joan of arcadia. maybe it was because paul (or is it john? i always confuse the two...)...wait, totally just googled it and found out his name is jason ritter. okay, so jason ritter was on joan of arcadia as the very very hot parapalegic (did i spell that right? hmm...) brother of joan. i'm getting totally off topic. anyways, so i liked the idea of there being a tangible, visible God who talked to joan--even if she did think he was sometimes crazy. and i loved the theme song, joan osbourne's "what if God was one of us"...i mean, in all honesty, have you ever thought about it? if you just met God on a street somewhere? how would you react? what would you say?

one of my favorite bands, the fray, has an answer for this question, in their newest single, "you found me" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs51Fo9fuGM). check it out.

the bridge of the song is most memorable:
early morning, the city breaks
i've been calling
for years and years and years and years
and You never let me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You've got some kind of nerve
taking all i want

the chorus goes on to say:
lost and insecure, You found me, You found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
why'd You have to wait?
where were You?
where were You?
just a little late...
You found me, You found me.

this song really perplexes me. i think about people--if they actually met God, would this be the kind of conversation they would have? out of desperation? out of pain? out of feeling alone. let's be honest. at some point or another, even those of the greatest faith feel like they have been abandoned, left alone, thrown out by the Maker. this is gut-wrenching response to a man searching for meaning.

it's convicting in a sense. my call is to love the unloved, and to be Christ to those who don't know Him, who can't find Him, who feel "lost and insecure." in the end, we're all in the same boat, aren't we?

small town friendly

i really and truly do have a love/hate relationship with my hometown. it's remarkable. for instance: i love the fact that it's small, there's no traffic, and i know where everything is. i love the fact that everywhere i go, there are memories. i love the fact that, in certain restaurants, the waiter or waitress already knows my order. i love stepping out of my car at midnight and being able to see every star in God's creation, spread across a dark sky with no interference of city lights. i love the hills, and seeing the mountains in the distance, and friday night football.

okay, so for the i hates....or, i don't like: the fact that it's small and everybody knows everybody's business ALL the time, the ignorance that sometimes surrounds small communities (as well as the intolerance), traffic jams caused by tractors (i'm dead serious), lack of variety in places to eat and shopping areas as well as entertainment, small town cops who'd like nothing more than to write you a ticket for going too fast down a backroad...

i love, and don't love, my small town, all at the same time. it's a weird feeling. love it in theory, not necessarily in practice. or maybe it's that i just don't like it in practice.

we're just one big family

this weekend in TN was absolutely wonderful--so good to get to catch up some some fuge friends, see audrey's beautiful wedding, and just be able to get away, to clear my head, and to look at things afresh. i love my fall, my mountains, my sunsets...all things i want to hold dear in these last fleeting months as i begin to look to what is next. what's sure, however, is that God surely is in control of all things--i look at His hand in things this summer and i am in awe of His brilliance, perfection, and plan. because of that, i know i can trust him...even when it doesn't quite make sense.

hometown homesick blues

it's around this time of year that i just start to miss home, just a tad. not a lot, mind you. it's really the little things--like my family. and winter--though it feels like winter here, there's nothing like the cold and crisp end of a north carolina fall, especially with the ever-looming possibility of snow. i miss the excitement of the last football games and the beginning of college basketball. i miss seeing the lights being strung across main street in downtown forest city, the big sears christmas wish book we always get in mid-november, and my mom buying us advent calenders, the front door being all frosted over from the cold air and my mom getting really annoyed when i'd draw on it when i was younger. frozen mud puddles. somer sausage for the holidays. however, something is different this year--and that difference is that i know, know, know that God is doing a new and great thing. and this new thing--while i don't know exactly what it is, i know it's going to take me far from home. and that's okay. sometimes the journey itself is the destination--you learn as much from the road you take, or more even, as the place you end up. i don't know if this makes sense or not. anyways, i'm nervous and scared out of my mind...but i know God has a plan and a purpose and a path. and so i'm just gonna try to follow it.

where everyone you know never leaves too soon...

what an amazing weekend. what an AMAZING week is ahead of me! i can hardly wait and am so so excited :-)
this weekend was wonderful. it was great to be able to relax with one of my best friends in the entire world and do absolutely, positively nothing. and it is days like this that make me really question my future decisions, about how far i want to go from those i love...

but, pardon the kelly clarkson expression, i do feel the need to break away...we'll see where it takes me...

funny...

yesterday was one of THE BEST days i have had in a long time...historically, november 11th just hasn't been such a great day, including our traveling to florida two years ago to see my gamecocks lose, among other things, so i was a bit doubtful yesterday morning when i woke up...

last night, though, as i placed my head on my pillow, i had this crazy feeling of KNOWING that everything really is going to be okay. it was an insanely calming feeling and experience.

let's hope that continues to last....:-)

okay friends...

i think i found my dream school. i really do.
it's baptist--maybe a different "sect" of my denomination, but nonetheless baptist in its heritage.
it's established--a school whose name means something, without getting a super-liberal degree or working my butt off for an academics-only degree at an Ivy League-like school.
it even has a dual program where i can get my mdiv and master's of social work in four years--much less than if i were to pursue the two degrees separately.
the only problem....
it's over 1,000 miles away.

is this a problem? i'm not sure. part of me says, regardless of where i go, i'm going to be alone. i might know people nearby, but for the most part--i'm going to be alone. in fact, at southeastern the closest people will be over an hour away. regardless of where i'm going to go, i'm going to have to find community, make new friends, and reach out. so why does it matter if i am 1,000 or 300 miles away as far as that goes?

when it comes down to it, i'm just not sure. i'm just not sure if i can up and do it--pick up and move an AIRPLANE ride away from home. pack up my car, drive for over a day, and start again. i mean, i think i can....but i'm just not sure yet.

i guess if you don't jump...

you'll never know if you can fly.

keep faith.

do you ever have this feeling where you just want to rest in God? like...that's all the comfort you can have, is just to rest in your Heavenly (and Earthly, for me) Father, and know that He is in control and that He can hold and heal your broken heart and knows your struggles and hurts and fears? nothing is really "wrong" right now...but then again, nothing's right. i feel like this election has brought out the worst in so many people. i see people who are apathetic and uncaring toward their fellow man, and it makes me angry. and more than that, it makes me feel guilty because, with all of my talk, what am i doing to change the conditions of the world? i want to be the change i want to see in the world. i want to do something more than just go to school and get a degree. i want to give of my life and make a true difference. i'm just not sure how yet.

i have to say it...

i'm such an SNL fan. i never get to watch it, but i do get to watch the re-caps online which is still great. what i love about it right now is that while they are focusing on politcal stuff--they are pretty fair to each side (by this, i mean ridiculing both sides). plus, i've seen both presidential candidates make appearances on SNL, as well as Palin...not sure if Biden has been on it yet (actual Biden), but still....pretty neat stuff.

i have lots of random and jobbled (is that a word) thoughts tonight. first of all, the lyrics from one of matt wertz's songs (he's one of my new favorites!)

sunlight dances with the distance

in her squinty eyed shoes

and I'm chasing down horizon

in hopes of being danced with too

...and another set of favorite lyrics from one of his other songs:

i will not take my love away

when praises cease and seasons change

while the whole world turns the other way

i will not take my love away

i will not leave you all alone

when striving leads you far from home

and there's no yield for what you've sown

i will not leave you all alone

these lyrics are beautiful and speak truth to my life right now in terms of my own longings and selfish desires. when it all comes down to it, we want to love and be loved, dang it. and regardless of how many friends we have, or how wonderful our family might be, at the end of the day, it's this idea of romantic love, of someone promising they won't take their love away, that gets us through it all. even if it hasn't happened. even if we're "anti-relationship" at the moment like i am. when it all comes down to it, that's the desire of the heart. i think this is our desire for selfish reasons, though. we want to feel good, and wanted. i have to admit, thinking of a recent situation with a guy....i didn't return his affection, but the idea of someone caring about me and thinking so highly of me was kind of nice. ultimately, i feel like this shows that we are seeking our worth in things other than Christ, which fails us and our savior. and we even try to justify why we shouldn't be single: why do i have to deserve this? i've had all these bad breaks, so why should i have to go through this? don't i DESERVE to find someone? this, my friends, is often how i feel. but at the end of the day, it's more important to trust God's bigger plan, even if it means you are going to be alone for another day, month, year, or the rest of your life. i'm preaching so much to the choir right now. when it all comes down to it, though, these are the two struggles constantly going on inside my heart, and it's frustrating.

okay, so change of thought...about what a little domestic apartment keeper i am. originally i had decided just to like buy pizza for tomorrow, but now i'm kind of thinking that i'd like to cook to ring in the election, even if i am going to be alone and not be able to share in the results with anyone else. i'm so domestic. gah...and still alone. okay, we're on a new topic, and i'm trying to get over that part, right? haha....

change of thought numero tres....i really am excited in some ways about what's next in my life. about a change of pace. i think it'll be good...despite the whole scared as crap part.

the perfect future...

so do you ever sit around and think about how you'd like for things to be? i have to admit, when you have kind of a blah day, it's quite easy to sit around and ponder the intricacies of life and think about how you'd like for the future to play out. now, i know as well as anyone else that i don't have too much impact over what happens next, but if i did...

i'd like to find the right seminary. like, the place that when i visited there, i was like, this is right. they say that when a bride tries on the "right" wedding dress, she knows automatically that it is it. now, i'm definitely not getting married anytime soon (or maybe ever), but i'd like that feeling with whatever seminary or divinity school i am "supposed" to go to in the fall.

i'd like to go to that seminary and make amazing friends. friends that constantly challenge me in my faith and my walk with Christ. friends that i can be silly with, and i can have intellectual conversations with. friends that understand me.

i'd like to find a ministry where i feel like i fit, a place where God can use my small gifts for his glory.

i'd like to find someone to walk with me throughout this life, in some kind of capacity.

maybe these are big hopes, but i serve a big God....a God who, while he wants to answer my requests, has such bigger dreams and plans in store for me than i could ever imagine. praise Him.