i hate this about myself...

well, there are lots of things i don't like about myself, but last night, i rediscovered one thing that i do that drives me crazy (driving myself crazy...that's kind of weird to say...)

i can't seem to not think. you know those people who can turn their brains off, and forget things, and relax or read or watch TV or, i don't know, sleep? yeah...i'm not one of those people.

i am blessed because i can somewhat control what i think about--for instance: i really don't want to think about leaving, just because it is inevitably going to be difficult. i don't want to think about birmingham, at least not in the real sense that i'm actually going to be there, because again, i'm leaving, and i also have no where to live. so, my brain is smart. instead, my brain focuses on camp stuff and every aspect of camp, in overdrive. which helps me get excited about camp--so it's somewhat helpful i suppose. my brain is skilled at this, because i also was able to do this last year (focus on being BCM president and school) to ignore the other elephants in the figurative room.

however...eventually, my brain has to stop. not stop thinking, but stop pretending. so, when i finally bring myself to go to sleep, and i am TERRIBLY exhausted...i can't sleep! i'm finished with camp stuff for the day, so my brain doesn't know what to do, and turns to the next grueling thing on my mind. moving. leaving. goodbyes. housing. alabama.

it makes me really not like my brain sometime, even though it is an incredibly effective organ. i wish i could just....shut it off for a few hours of peace.