crazy love.

crazy. it is the best word to describe this book, and francis chan.  BUT....true.  so true.

before i started crazy love, i was finishing up the irresistible revolution by shane claibourne.  this is also one of those crazy, your toes hurt the entire time, get off my back kind of books.  shane's intense, and he means to be.  francis chan isn't so intense, at least not in comparison, but...

my toes are still hurting. 

as i read crazy love, i became aware of how apathetic i've become.  how ritualistic and rules-based my spiritual life is, and how many times i do things simply because it's what i'm "supposed" to do.  i guess you could say this book caused me to test my intentions, and to be honest, i came up lacking in a lot of areas.

i felt sick of myself and my apathy by the end of the book, and of being so lukewarm. i felt like i had lost my first love.  so....i quit.  for a week (last week, actually), i didn't really read the Bible. i didn't really pray, at least not like i usually do.  i don't know if this was francis chan's intention, but for me--i couldn't read Scripture and talk to God if it was just for the sake of me "checking these things off the list" for my spiritual life.  it seemed like a lie. so i stopped.

it was a weird week.  the first few days, everything seemed normal.  my selfish attitude realized i had a little more free time during the day.  and then...something odd began to happen.

i think because we are americans, and are handed everything and have all these resources, we don't know what it is like to truly thirst, to truly long, for something.  after a few days, with the absence of prayer and the word in my life, i began to feel the inklings of a longing to be back in the presence of God, for a hunger that reading a few verses and mumbling a prayer before i fell asleep could satisfy. 

i started back my reading by going through john.  every night when i sit down to study, i'm fascinated. i don't speed through the chapter, but read carefully, and think, and meditate.  and best of all...it's something i'm doing because i want to be doing it, not because everyone is expecting me to...and i look foward to it each night. i feel like i'm slowly making my way to what this is supposed to be--a relationship, not rituals. 

so maybe throwing off rules and expectations and developing a true longing for God, and for his word, and for communication with him, and for his work, is the answer to the lukewarm question.