i can.

tonight as i study, or as i procrastinate studying, rather, i keep thinking about the odds.

not the odds of me passing this test (which aren't good, as seeing how i'm permanently glued to facebook and youtube watching SNL skits from the past two weeks), but the odds of overcoming the odds.

you see, all my life, i had this idea of things i could and could not do. and a lot of it, well, it wasn't really my own thing--i was pretty influenced by other people who told me what i could and couldn't do. or wouldn't do.

and now that i look back on my last twenty-one years, especially the last three years, i've done some things i would have never thought i could do.

i moved two hours away, where i knew practically no one, for school. while it was tough, it ended up being a good thing, and i don't know what i'm going to do when i have to leave here in may.

i went back home and got a real job, and saved money--not something that really happens in my family. but i've became a financially wise person.

i changed my major and let go of my control for the future and gave it to God.

i served as a summer missionary in south carolina with children--one of the best experiences of my life.

i've managed to keep over a 3.5, in the honors college, with a religion major and an english minor. not the hardest things in the world, mind you, but i've balanced it with a part-time job, a social life, and organization responsibilities.

i went through a tough ministry transition, but i survived and have even thrived in the last six months.

i've found a church where i can worship and i feel loved, and even though i have to leave that church in may, i know that i will be greatly in debt to them and the people there.

i got on a plane (shocker!) and flew to boston, and despite the odds, fell in love with new england.

i got on a plane AGAIN and then i served as a staffer for m-fuge, something i never thought i would get the chance to do, and God showed me how He perfects our weaknesses in His PERFECT strength. and He showed me that His calling me into the ministry is a sure thing at this point.

i've been bcm president officially since april, and i'm not perfect, but i'm doing okay and surviving, and God is teaching me how to lead an organization with 100+ members.

in march, i will be flying to krakow, poland, with fourteen other fuge staffers to minister to the romany people...i'll be flying overseas, across the atlantic ocean.

in may, i'll be graduating COLLEGE, hopefully working camp again, and packing up to start a new chapter of my life, and while i'll probably be alone, i really think God is control, and i feel like, if He's brought me to this, i can do it, through Him.

this is coming from the girl who grew up dirt poor, who didn't have a lot of friends and wasn't well liked, who had no sense of humor and didn't know how to have fun, who fell for her best guy friend, who experienced two father figures walking out on her, who saw countless ministers and youth pastors leave her, who had no other choice but to get a scholarship for college, who spent her first semester in college seriously depressed, who experienced most of her friends find life partners while she remained (and remains) alone in that sense....

tonight, as i try to study for my test, i feel like i'm on top of the world. i've beaten the odds. i don't have to be the person that, statistically, i should be. i don't have to settle for anything less than the dreams God has for me, and they're big dreams. i'm so thankful.

so tuesday, i'm going to take this test, and if i make an A or C, while it matters in the short term, in the long run it is just a grade, which is a part of something SO much bigger. i'm thankful for all of this, and for what lies ahead.