my soul cries out.

"everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades."

this was one of my favorite songs from philly in 2008. there was something about standing in the back of the auditorium-converted gym, lined up with my staff, and watching students respond to the gospel on thursday nights. it was a song i brought back with me from camp. i even used it during a leadership meeting at bcm. we even sang it again this summer, in a different set list--on a thursday night, yet again.

i think today, during worship at mountain brook, was the first time i really got this line of this song. i mean, like really understood it, like a "whoa buddy!" kind of moment.

we make things so....big, sometimes. our problems blow up and escalate and affect every area of our lives. we think that we'll always be alone and miserable, or happy, or fill in the blank. although we know the reality of the brevity of life, sometimes we act as if we're going to live forever. we even complain about the humdrum days, when in reality we should be thankful for another moment. my point is...

"Your light will shine when all else fades."

everything else...fades. leaves. vanishes. the bad things--insecurities, money woes, loneliness, frustration, envy, stress, grades...

but you know what the other part of this is? the good things--they fade too. we see evidence of this in our lives. friends and relationships and opportunities and accomplishments come and go, and it's hard to see them leave.

there is joy in this, and that is that the light of the Lord never fades. He does not faint. His laws and precepts are eternal. He Himself is timeless and everlasting.

so, why worry about these temporal things? why put so much stock in the world, because in the end, as the song says...

"everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades"

...and it's Your light, not ours.

i love...

fall--when the leaves change, and people grow pumpkins, and the air grows cooler.

mexican food--especially guacamole.

hearing my favorite songs on the radio.

re-reading my favorite books.

re-watching my favorite movies.

unexpected phone calls.

good conversations over a cup of coffee.

cities, and downtowns, and skylines.

friends and fellowship.

inside jokes.

laughter.

funfetti cake with cream cheese icing.

white hot chocolate.

crossing things off my to-do list.

yankee candles.

the smell of snuggle fabric sheets.

encouraging notes and words of affirmation.

serving.

writing--when i want to, not when i'm forced to...

reunions with friends.

why?

why study greek? why read commentaries of the old testament? why learn how to interpret scripture? why stress, over money and school and a job? why spend most of my time lonely, and feeling like i just can't quite connect with most people here?

it's hard, but this is my inspiration. ministry. being able to serve among the tall buildings and skyscrapers and poverty and busy-ness and train stations...being able to love, and encourage, and see people grow...

so i'm going to wait, and to work, and to know that there is a purpose for all things. and to be thankful that ministry is the passion of my heart, and that this is somehow preparing me for that passion...

you look so defeated...

lying there in your new twin sized bed.

can i just be honest and vulnerable for a minute? (as if i never am on my blog...i have a terrible way of wearing my heart and emotions on my sleeve, for the whole world to see).

moving is hard. meeting new people is fun. living in a new place is cool. but the new ones...they just don't immediately replace the old. it's hard, knowing that another world is going on without you, while you are waiting for your new world to start. only then, you realize that it's already started, and you have to jump in...and it's just hard to figure out exactly how to do that. i was--and am--so busy, that i haven't realized the implications of moving. the leaving. the being six hours away from home. the very real possibility that i may not see any of my close friends in the next calender year. the fact that phone calls are hard to make during stressful times, and that sometimes they make missing people even worse. and it's not that i want to replace people, because they can't be replaced...but on the other hand, if they could be replaced, this would probably be much easier...hmm.

classes start tomorrow. work and bible study start wednesday. i'm meeting new people--certainly more than i probably met in my first month at carolina. it's just a slow process...and it's much more difficult that i remembered, growing roots after being pulled up from somewhere that you really invested in, and a place you gave your whole heart to...

on a night like this.

it comes to my attention that possibly people might be interested to hear about my life...ergh....well, my life now that i'm in alabama. so, i thought i might give a rundown of my first days in the big ham.

wednesday--drive, drive, and drive some more (after breaking down) on I-85, 285, and 20 to finally get to mountain brook and move some stuff into my apartment. then i went and crashed (literally) at the splawn household.

thursday--woke up, watched some TV online, moved stuff from my ghetto storage unit with mary into my apartment and unpacked (or, well, moved boxes around my room). went back over to the splawns' and showered, then went to dinner at the purple onion (yum...my chicken gyro there was muy excelente!) and then went to check out the UAB bcm and promote mbbc. then slept on my couch at my apartment.

friday--interviewed for preschool job at mbbc. wayne helped me and moved my bed to my apartment. went to samford and dropped a ridiculous amount of moola for books...ergh. unpacked a lot more. went downtown to christy and stephanie's apartment and then went to meet michael and jen. grilled out hamburgers, played games, and talked about life and music and movies and randomness--good times getting to know my fellow beeson friends.

saturday--went grocery shopping. finally finished unpacking. lindsey came over and we had dinner and went to target and hung out and in general laughed a lot, and drank too much coke and tea which meant we also spent a lot of time in the bathroom.

to come: sunday--church at mbbc, lunch, and then baking a cake. slumdog movie night with christy and stephanie. monday begins with orientation. tuesday begins classes.

so...here are a couple of interesting/annoying things i've noticed about living here, so far:

it's hot. i thought columbia was hot, but i forgot was humidity was. oh my gosh--i straightened my hair TWICE one day. twice. that's insane. and it was still disgusting.

the people who made these roads were crazy. there are these little road signs and they decided to build them into mountains. seriously. my apartment is on top of a mountain. and there are all these four-way stops, which means it takes like ten years...or twenty minutes....to get to samford.

there's no self-checkout in target or in walmart. this is a tragedy and travesty.

i kinda sorta miss my friends (so for all of you, please get skype. now. leave your screenname and we can talk for real!) and i really miss bcm. and i miss my family. not to the point where i'm like...sobbing. but, when it gets quiet and i'm all alone, i do miss people.

but, there are some GREAT things about this city (that probably outweigh the 'negatives'):

wayne and mary. enough said. also, wayne's butterfinger homemade ice cream is life changing. he may or may not have given me an ESV bible to say that.

my apartment is off the shizzle. it may not be super close to campus...but it's pretty amazing. AND my roommate is awesome and really sweet.

this city is beautiful. fall is going to come. i'm going to stinking love that.

having friends and doing stuff is cool. i've been busier this weekend than i probably was 85% of my time in columbia. i'm enjoying getting to know new people, and i love living near lindsey and my decatur friends. heck yes.

people at a small christian school are so much more helpful than people at a large public university. such as, the person taking my car registration stuff wished me a great semester and success at beeson. if you ever dealt with vehicle services at a certain university in, oh, say columbia, sc, they weren't quite that friendly to you.

oh yeah--marcus, this is just for you...the grass is really nice and i get to drive by it EVERY DAY. and when school starts i can get a blanket and sit in it. yay!

so there it is, folks. life in the big ham. not perfect, but good so far. God is good, and i'm learning, and school starts next week.

to come next week: pictures documenting life alabama-style. get excited, people.

tuesdays with amy.

"when we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place."

--c.s. lewis

today is tuesday, august 18th. for some, it's the tuesday before their freshmen classes start. for others, it's the tuesday before they begin their last year of undergraduate studies. for me, it's the tuesday before i leave for birmingham, and start again. graduate school. seminary. a new job. in a new city. in a new state. with a new roommate.

tuesday for me used to be really different--a rush of classes, work, meetings, Bible studies, hanging out with BCM friends, crosstrainings, meetings after, and taco tuesday. now...tuesdays aren't quite the same. i must confess that it is hard to leave something that was such a big part of my life for four years. i miss it, more than i can even express. i know new things are ahead for me...or at least, i know this in my head. my heart hasn't figured it out just yet, and there's quite a large void there. i'm going to miss the ministry, and leadership meetings, and the feeling of excitement and anticipation inside the big room at 7:30pm each tuesday night. tonight felt really funny, knowing that a lot of my friends were in columbia, at crosstraining, while i was at home, packing and preparing for tomorrow. my heart was definitely in columbia.

but...just like cs lewis said, losing one blessing merely means that the Lord has something else, possibly unexpected, in its place. i'm going to wait, and hope, and know that whatever is next will be beneficial and good and right...and exactly where the Lord wants me :) we are called to a place, and to a time...as audrey once said,

"bloom where you are planted, but never let the roots tangle. make it easy for God to pull you up."

amen.

my life playlist.

if your itunes could sing the story of your life, what would it say? here are some songs that i think would be included on my playlist...

-"boston" by augustana

the Lord is my first love...and Boston is my second :)

-"ain't nothin' like" by brad paisley

symbolic of the brad paisley era, sleeping outside the colonial center to get tickets, and of course that time meredith allen and i spent an hour in the car trying to figure out what the words of this stinking song actually were!

-"God of this city" by chris tomlin (and other assorted artists)

thursday night worship song of camp this summer...helped remind me that "greater things are yet to come", in the Lord.

-"holy is the Lord" as sang by todd davis

first worship song i ever remember hearing at BCM, and will forever remind me of my time there.

-"fix you" by coldplay

symbolizes the coldplay period; also, i am the singer of this song and try to fix everything and everyone i know...just ask people who know me personally. i'm a fixer.

-"rescue is coming" by david crowder band

i got this cd for christmas during freshmen year of college...this song spoke to me and told me that things were going to get better for me at carolina...and they did. well, and then they got worse. and then better. and then worse. but rescue is always, always coming...

-"taking the long way" by dixie chicks

found this song after my freshmen year...reminded me that i am really different than 99% of the people i went to high school with...and am indeed taking the long way around.

-"100 years" by five for fighting

high school graduation song. many tears shed to this tune.

-"boulevard of broken dreams" by green day

thanks to my dear friends scott hopper and lukas hopper, i once received a cd with this song on it...eighteen times. i hated that song in high school, but now it is a favorite.

-"mmmbop" by hanson

my happy song. it is not possible to listen to this song and remain in a bad mood. "beautiful soul" by jesse mccartney is a close second.

-"carolina in my mind" by james taylor

self explanatory

-"broken" by lifehouse

song for junior year..."in the pain, there is healing/in Your name, i find meaning"

-"washed by the water" by needtobreathe

this song began my epic relationship with needtobreathe...which will hopefully continue when i see them in october...new album is out in a week!

-"sadie hawkins dance" by relient k (and every other relient k song in the world...)

i just love them. they sing the songs of my life.

-"i will not take my love away" by matt wertz

a good wedding song (if i ever end up getting married). speaks to me because i long for consistency in friendships and relationships.

the troubles of the world.

back to the serious posts. well, not so much...but, back to the real world. i was thinking today about the troubles of the world. the things that just get you down and make you worry and drive you crazy...and make you want to eat lots of vanilla pudding (eww chocolate...grosss).

money. everyone worries about money. every time i turn on the TV, there's something about the economy. i consider myself an informed voter. i keep up with the news. i want to know what's going on with our money...but sometimes, seeing reminders of it over and over again just brings you down. let's all face it--people with seminary degrees don't make very much money...and i am a person who likes security. i don't have a lot, and i don't want or need a lot...but i always want to know that i can get by, if that makes sense. i think with the recent news and with spending money for birmingham and not having a job...basically i feel poor. so when i feel poor, i remind myself, "hey self--you're never going to make any money--but you aren't paying for those degrees either, so...hey yo...zap!" and then i make myself feel better and i stop checking my bank account.

related to money is a job...now, i have a job lined up for the fall, but i have a lot of friends who just graduated who don't. i wish i could find them a job (preferably in alabama), because i know not having a job is stressful (ding dong...ringing the money bell again).

for me, school is a concern of the world. can i keep my GPA up? can i scrounge up enough pennies to buy books? school isn't just academic, now...will i make friends at beeson? will i be as lonely there as i was during periods of my time in columbia? what comes next? what do friendships look like at the graduate level? what happens to those i've left behind? these are all things i don't think about as i'm shopping or packing...but they are the thoughts that creep into my head each night when i'm trying to sleep. the worries i just can't stifle.

so here's the thing about the world--it can get you down. it can make you worry. it can turn your smile to a frown. but the Word says take heart! Jesus has overcome the world.

money, jobs, school, friendships, the future, emotions....Jesus has overcome all, and has it all under control, and has a plan. He says "hey yo....ZAP!" to all that junk.

"mama always said, 'life is like...'"

okay, just kidding. i'm not going to write a blog on forrest gump. but, it has come to my attention (and probably only to mine, since no one else really reads this) that my most recent blogs have been somewhat serious. while i am a serious person in nature, i also can be fun and free and...frolic? is that even a word. i don't even know.

so, my mission for this blog is to chronicle some of my favorite movie quotes. get excited!

1. "sadness is easier because it's surrender...i say, make time to dance alone with one hand waving free."

--elizabethtown

i LOVE this quote, and this movie. even though it is weird in parts, and somewhat dismal, it is a movie that always makes me happy. every time i see precious claire click her imaginary camera, it warms my heart. and of course, you can't forget the world's largest flea market scene...love it.

2. "maybe we're lying here because you don't wanna be standing somewhere else."

--serendipity

another girl movie, probably my first favorite romantic chick flick. i like it because it's just cheesy enough, but not too much. also, there's some great sardonic humor and i love, love, love the role of destiny. wonderfulness.

3. "Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going on. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

--Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

i love, love, love lord of the rings. and this quote. and the beauty of the light that passes even though darkness....such good movies, and books.

4. "am i that transparent? i want you, i need you, oh baby. oh baby."

--10 things i hate about you

easily the wittest and most sarcastic teen movie ever produced. love it.

5. "Mr. Tumnus: He's not a tame lion.

Lucy: No...but he is good."

--the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe

such beautiful symbolism in this movie...yay symbolism!

resurfacing.

camp is over. it's been a month or so since i last wrote...partially due to lack of time, and also partially due to lack of things to say. or maybe having too much to say. or maybe, just maybe, i had a lot to say and i was unsure of how to say it. so here goes...the not-so-simple blog i've been meaning to write for the past month, intermixing camp experiences with goodbyes and the future and whatever is to come.



today i woke up after a short night of sleep. saying goodbye was hard. saying goodbye to my site kiddos, and to my ministry, and to campers was hard. saying goodbye to staff was equally as difficult. i may not walk away from this summer with 'a new best friend,' but i do walk away from this summer with an appreciation for differences in personalities and demeanor that help contribute to ministry in a beautiful way. i love each and every person i served with, and they have left an impression in my heart forever. as i said goodbye to people today, i felt the emotions from last summer flood back over me again...when i left philly, i wanted to be anywhere but columbia. anywhere but at usc. anything but bcm president. last year was a good year, and a difficult year, and a year for growth and change. it was hard, but it ended up being worth it.

later on today, i realized that even as i said goodbye to some things--my staff, north greenville, camp until next year--i was saying goodbye to a lot more. leaving north greenville meant that i was officially no longer living in south carolina. now, we all know amy should be ecstatic for this moment...and i thought i was. but the truth is that living in sc has made me who i am today. i can't imagine my life in the future without those things that have defined it while in college in columbia--usc, football, bcm, good friends, mentors, good food...so, in a way, i was saying goodbye to a lot more than just camp. this was, officially, the end of my era in the palmetto state. and that was weird.

i made my way home, crying while driving, unpacked a bit, and slept. went to a baseball game. last night, i began leafing through stuff for the fall. and i realized that it's only in saying goodbye that i get to say hello to some pretty cool stuff. i get to start seminary in the fall at a school that i love. i get to live in a city again, and one that i really like and will probably fall in love with at some point. i get to be in the same town as chiptole, pf changs, cheesecake factory, jim n' nicks, and rojo (get excited/jealous at this point). i get to live five minutes away from the splawn family and be there to meet their new edition :) i get to spend weekends and fun times with lindsey cunningham, who i worked with in philly a year ago. i get to find a new church and be involved in new ministries. i get to make new best friends. i get to see old camp friends from ngu and philly who live nearby. and even though doubt creeps in my head sometimes (because i had these dreams and visions for columbia too, but making friends and getting to this point was tough stuff)...i know that God is in control and has a perfect plan, and i'm excited--i think--about seeing how that unfolds...


goodbyes, hellos...maybe they are all the same after all.