what if you...?

just discovered joshua radin.  and now am a huge fan.....ahhh!

lately i've been reading a lot of the old testament.  this is probably due to the fact that i have old testament theology this semester.  anyway, one question i had to answer for a writing assignment today focused on the reason for the israelites not being able to enter the promised land in numbers.  while the scripture explicitly says they did not enter because they were scared, a commentary writer in my good ol' ESV study bible pointed out something a bit different: they were afraid, and did not enter, because they did not believe the word of God.  wow.

how many times in my life do i doubt?  do i fear the future? do i disbelieve God and his promises? why is it so difficult to believe Romans 8:28--that He will work all things together for the good of those who loved Him and are called to Him, according to His purpose?

well...i'm going to answer this, or at least to attempt to answer it...

i think the difficulty lies in the fact that often, i think i know what is best for me--and i think i know better than the Lord does.  wow.

it's true, though.  and i see this shine best in the relational (or lack thereof) aspect in my life. i was never one of those girls who dreamed about their wedding day when she was five.  in fact, it wasn't until i was sixteen, after the divorce, that i ever gave any thought to it--mostly because i was fantasizing and needed to get away, and was preoccupied with a guy, and basically...wasn't sure if i could ever trust anyone of the male gender ever again.  at least, not that much--not enough to commit to spend the rest of my life with them.

so i've spent the last six years in that mode.  wondering if i can trust guys.  finding ones that i do trust, and then being let down. being angry with God when i am let down, because why does He have the right to allow yet another guy to make me miserable? wasn't it bad enough that i experienced this twice in father figures? doesn't He know what He's doing?

i thought by now i'd be married.  or seriously dating.  i like to pretend i'm independent and better off without guys...and i am independent, and i wasn't made to be a housewife.  but i also know, in my heart of hearts, that i'm far too much of a relational person to spend the rest of my life alone.

so it's easy to say we trust God in the generalities, in the provision, in whatever.  it's much more difficult to get specific.  to look at the hard situations in our lives.  to wrestle with God and ask Him why--oh why--He hasn't given us the desires of our heart?

bottom line--God is in control.  i'm learning this every day...and God is especially in control of this.  so i sit back. i watch all my friends get married. i watch myself remain alone. i go to the weddings, and i smile, and i try not to think about the implications of yet another ceremony. and while it hurts, i'm okay with it, because i have to accept that the Lord is true to His word.  and it's not a word to provide me a husband and five kids and a minivan (not that i want the last two of those, anyway)...but it's His word which proclaims that He knows best for me.  that His plans for me are much better than the plans i have for myself.  because He is the Lord, and i am not, then i will trust that whatever happens, He has my best interest at heart and is doing a great thing, even if it means being single for a few days, or months, or years, or forever.

(and i also know that He knows best, because i would have been miserable with every guy i pictured myself with anyway :) )