the worst (and best?) of me.

so i was thinking today about some of the terrible things about me...bad habits...things that drive even me crazy about myself...and here are just a few:

my hair isn't straight. my hair isn't wavy.  my hair isn't curly.  it's this weird mixture of the three, which can sometimes be tamed with a straightener, and other times with a blow dryer.  and sometimes, it just has to go free, with gel, like today, in a tangled, curly, frazzled mess.

speaking of, another bad habit is that sometimes, i really am a frazzled mess.  it's not visible to many, except those who are close to me.  issues in one area of my life can affect my entire life, my entire day, my entire mood--like right now, i'm depressed about having to study yet again, and that really just put me in a terrible mood concerning life, even though life itself is not terrible.

i worry way too much about money.  for instance, today i found this really cute shirt at gap--in my color, and my size--which was originally $29.99, but on sale for $14.99. i tried it on and loved it!  and even though it was 40% off the sale price (i.e. 8.99!) i was still stressed about getting it, even though i have some wiggle room in my budget and some potential babysitting jobs and clients.

i care too much about what other people think. i like to pretend that i'm a rebel and all that stuff, but really--i care about the opinions of others, mostly of people who don't matter. this is also an issue with the whole marriage thing.  i don't want to get married right now, and i'm not at beeson to get my mrs. degree (i thought i should answer this question before marcus tried to lie to the world about my seminary intentions...) but sometimes, the pressure of society is frustrating, and i let myself think that "i'll never find anyone" and "i'll always be alone," and then i equate being alone with being unhappy, and then i become even more of a frazzled mess.

i'm stubborn to a fault. i don't like to let people in, or get help, or anything like that.

i set my alarm three times on purpose, so that i don't have to get up until the last one goes off at 6:50am.

i have a weakness for sprite, sweet tea, and cherry coke. i like water...i really do.  i just wish i liked it more.

i have really messy handwriting when i'm trying to write quickly, like on a test. and if i don't know the answer, i like to embellish things, restate the question, and talk a lot of mumbo jumbo because, as an english minor, i was taught to lie my way through papers with the best of them.

i watch terrible tv shows, with no taste or moral substance.

i get upset anytime a team i hate wins anything--mostly unc. if unc won a game against the non-existent columbia college football team, i'd be mad.

i get really, really agitated when people never return phone calls or text messages, especially if they call me first, and especially if i leave them a voicemail.

anytime my friends get boyfriends or girlfriends, i'm secretly afraid they are going to be like everyone else and abandon me for their significant others.

so...yeah.  sometimes, i'm a ridiculous mess. right now, i'm a ridiculous mess with my curly hair, grey sweatpants, faded boston tee, and sore throat.  my foot hurts, i'm annoyed at studying, and in general i feel restless.

but on the bright side...jesus loves me just as i am, and that's enough for yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  it's more than enough for right now--it's enough for forever.

who was i...?

and am i glad or what that person's gone?!?

hmph. so i've had a blog since 12th grade.  blogger has only been current for the last year or so...maybe even a bit less.  somehow i found my blog from those times before, and i re-read them.  this, i believe, is an accurate summary statement of the last five years of my life, as told through my eyes.

12th grade--my friends are driving me crazy.  why's everyone dating everyone? lots of michelle branch.  and of course, the never-ending "help me get the heck out of rutherford county" bantra.

freshmen year--i hate columbia, and my dorm, and life.  i wish i had friends here. i wish friends back home hadn't deserted me.  i'm so bored.  and i hate calculus and economics.  oh, and apparently at this point in my life i want to get married, have children naturally, and be a soccer mom--i guess one out of three isn't bad on that one.  oh gosh...who was i?

sophomore year--good year, but more changes.  sheesh.  what's with all these changes? my car's broken down....again.

junior year--apparently change is the theme of my life.  columbia's so hot.  i miss the mountains and home.  i could never live in a big city.  why's everything different?

early senior year--gosh, i just want to live in a city.  i just miss the ghetto, and my philly family.  and i don't want to be here.

man...wow.  my life, attitudes....desires...have certainly changed, and i'd say for the better.

can't stay in one place...but for tonight, i'll stay with you.

well friends, it's been a month and two days since i packed up betsy ford and headed west.  there were setbacks--some on I-85, nonetheless, some at the storage unit, some with the rain, some with timing, some with being homesick and columbia-sick and envious of what i left--but all in all, it's been a good month.  i think.

i'm one month into classes. while i'm frustrated with not being able to do ministry quite as much as i did in undergrad, on the other side i'm learning so much. about God. about His word. about others. about serving him.  about ministry.  i feel...like i'm being prepared.  and it's a good feeling.

i'm trying to allow the preparation to be more important than the grades. while i'm doing well, i'm not doing quite as well as i did at usc.  grades have always been important to me, so it's difficult to let that go, but i'm trying to be satisfied and trust in the Lord's provision and guidance.

getting to know people has been a fun adventure.  i click with people in my classes, but outside of class, our lives are crazy, so it's hard to build community.  i love my church....it's different than my "normal", but i love it, and i love the people there.  i've loved getting to know my small group and sunday school group, and enjoy community.  and it has been SUCH a blessing to live so close to the splawns'...i couldn't have survived this last month without them!

working with babies again has been a blessing, although i miss rocking them side by side with misti bailey.  i forgot how much i love kids, and sometimes they are a much needed distraction from the craziness of the world of academics.

in short...life is hard, but good.  no such luck on the mrs degree...but after all, is that really why i'm in seminary?

don't answer that...haha!

what if you...?

just discovered joshua radin.  and now am a huge fan.....ahhh!

lately i've been reading a lot of the old testament.  this is probably due to the fact that i have old testament theology this semester.  anyway, one question i had to answer for a writing assignment today focused on the reason for the israelites not being able to enter the promised land in numbers.  while the scripture explicitly says they did not enter because they were scared, a commentary writer in my good ol' ESV study bible pointed out something a bit different: they were afraid, and did not enter, because they did not believe the word of God.  wow.

how many times in my life do i doubt?  do i fear the future? do i disbelieve God and his promises? why is it so difficult to believe Romans 8:28--that He will work all things together for the good of those who loved Him and are called to Him, according to His purpose?

well...i'm going to answer this, or at least to attempt to answer it...

i think the difficulty lies in the fact that often, i think i know what is best for me--and i think i know better than the Lord does.  wow.

it's true, though.  and i see this shine best in the relational (or lack thereof) aspect in my life. i was never one of those girls who dreamed about their wedding day when she was five.  in fact, it wasn't until i was sixteen, after the divorce, that i ever gave any thought to it--mostly because i was fantasizing and needed to get away, and was preoccupied with a guy, and basically...wasn't sure if i could ever trust anyone of the male gender ever again.  at least, not that much--not enough to commit to spend the rest of my life with them.

so i've spent the last six years in that mode.  wondering if i can trust guys.  finding ones that i do trust, and then being let down. being angry with God when i am let down, because why does He have the right to allow yet another guy to make me miserable? wasn't it bad enough that i experienced this twice in father figures? doesn't He know what He's doing?

i thought by now i'd be married.  or seriously dating.  i like to pretend i'm independent and better off without guys...and i am independent, and i wasn't made to be a housewife.  but i also know, in my heart of hearts, that i'm far too much of a relational person to spend the rest of my life alone.

so it's easy to say we trust God in the generalities, in the provision, in whatever.  it's much more difficult to get specific.  to look at the hard situations in our lives.  to wrestle with God and ask Him why--oh why--He hasn't given us the desires of our heart?

bottom line--God is in control.  i'm learning this every day...and God is especially in control of this.  so i sit back. i watch all my friends get married. i watch myself remain alone. i go to the weddings, and i smile, and i try not to think about the implications of yet another ceremony. and while it hurts, i'm okay with it, because i have to accept that the Lord is true to His word.  and it's not a word to provide me a husband and five kids and a minivan (not that i want the last two of those, anyway)...but it's His word which proclaims that He knows best for me.  that His plans for me are much better than the plans i have for myself.  because He is the Lord, and i am not, then i will trust that whatever happens, He has my best interest at heart and is doing a great thing, even if it means being single for a few days, or months, or years, or forever.

(and i also know that He knows best, because i would have been miserable with every guy i pictured myself with anyway :) )

it ain't me, babe.

today, the sermon at mbbc was on matthew 6, on the Lord's prayer (part dos).

it convicted me a lot. and it reminded me of this johnny cash song as well...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ROdphzJIHA

see, here's the thing.  we like to think we know what's best for us.  this, my friends, is a lie.  the Lord alone knows what is good, and it is His plan and His purpose that are important--the prayer does say thy kingdom--not mine.

that's a hard thing to get through my head.  i want my kingdom to come so badly sometimes.  the kingdom where i have enough money to be comfortable, and everything comes easy to me, and i'm never lonely, and i'm with the right person, and where everything always goes according to plan...

but the bottom line is that it's not about me, or my kingdom. and God knows best.

as johnny tells june...

"i'm not the one you want babe/i'll only let you down."

anytime we try to seek our own kingdom, or our own wills, we end up unhappy.  without joy. and we usually fall flat on our faces.  we don't know what's best for us...

but the Lord does. and that is a comforting thought to me right now.

some more truths.

1. today i had zaxby's for lunch, and my stomach wants to die. don't think i'll be eating there for a very, very long time.

2. i'm glad to get to know people at beeson and in birmingham, even if it is slowly.

3. sometimes, when i'm walking on campus at samford, i try to close my eyes and pretend i'm walking on the horseshoe.

4. my heart is in a million places right now.

5. i miss my trailer park kiddos more than words can express. and ms. christy. and ministry.