i have to say it...

i'm such an SNL fan. i never get to watch it, but i do get to watch the re-caps online which is still great. what i love about it right now is that while they are focusing on politcal stuff--they are pretty fair to each side (by this, i mean ridiculing both sides). plus, i've seen both presidential candidates make appearances on SNL, as well as Palin...not sure if Biden has been on it yet (actual Biden), but still....pretty neat stuff.

i have lots of random and jobbled (is that a word) thoughts tonight. first of all, the lyrics from one of matt wertz's songs (he's one of my new favorites!)

sunlight dances with the distance

in her squinty eyed shoes

and I'm chasing down horizon

in hopes of being danced with too

...and another set of favorite lyrics from one of his other songs:

i will not take my love away

when praises cease and seasons change

while the whole world turns the other way

i will not take my love away

i will not leave you all alone

when striving leads you far from home

and there's no yield for what you've sown

i will not leave you all alone

these lyrics are beautiful and speak truth to my life right now in terms of my own longings and selfish desires. when it all comes down to it, we want to love and be loved, dang it. and regardless of how many friends we have, or how wonderful our family might be, at the end of the day, it's this idea of romantic love, of someone promising they won't take their love away, that gets us through it all. even if it hasn't happened. even if we're "anti-relationship" at the moment like i am. when it all comes down to it, that's the desire of the heart. i think this is our desire for selfish reasons, though. we want to feel good, and wanted. i have to admit, thinking of a recent situation with a guy....i didn't return his affection, but the idea of someone caring about me and thinking so highly of me was kind of nice. ultimately, i feel like this shows that we are seeking our worth in things other than Christ, which fails us and our savior. and we even try to justify why we shouldn't be single: why do i have to deserve this? i've had all these bad breaks, so why should i have to go through this? don't i DESERVE to find someone? this, my friends, is often how i feel. but at the end of the day, it's more important to trust God's bigger plan, even if it means you are going to be alone for another day, month, year, or the rest of your life. i'm preaching so much to the choir right now. when it all comes down to it, though, these are the two struggles constantly going on inside my heart, and it's frustrating.

okay, so change of thought...about what a little domestic apartment keeper i am. originally i had decided just to like buy pizza for tomorrow, but now i'm kind of thinking that i'd like to cook to ring in the election, even if i am going to be alone and not be able to share in the results with anyone else. i'm so domestic. gah...and still alone. okay, we're on a new topic, and i'm trying to get over that part, right? haha....

change of thought numero tres....i really am excited in some ways about what's next in my life. about a change of pace. i think it'll be good...despite the whole scared as crap part.

the perfect future...

so do you ever sit around and think about how you'd like for things to be? i have to admit, when you have kind of a blah day, it's quite easy to sit around and ponder the intricacies of life and think about how you'd like for the future to play out. now, i know as well as anyone else that i don't have too much impact over what happens next, but if i did...

i'd like to find the right seminary. like, the place that when i visited there, i was like, this is right. they say that when a bride tries on the "right" wedding dress, she knows automatically that it is it. now, i'm definitely not getting married anytime soon (or maybe ever), but i'd like that feeling with whatever seminary or divinity school i am "supposed" to go to in the fall.

i'd like to go to that seminary and make amazing friends. friends that constantly challenge me in my faith and my walk with Christ. friends that i can be silly with, and i can have intellectual conversations with. friends that understand me.

i'd like to find a ministry where i feel like i fit, a place where God can use my small gifts for his glory.

i'd like to find someone to walk with me throughout this life, in some kind of capacity.

maybe these are big hopes, but i serve a big God....a God who, while he wants to answer my requests, has such bigger dreams and plans in store for me than i could ever imagine. praise Him.

wow....

tonight i had a look through my 2007-2008 planner. not sure why i keep it, but i just had it around and was searching for my eternally lost watch when i came across it and decided to take a look. in some senses, not much has changed. my life is still dominated by academics, bcm, etc., but in other manners it has changed a lot. like, i see all the preparation and work i really did put into last year--things i had forgotten about. and it gives me a little more reassurance that i'm right where i'm supposed to be right now. even more, it reminds me that God is in control--i wasn't sure what life was going to be like a year ago now (does that make any sense? haha...). i guess what i'm trying to say is that a year ago, i wouldn't have thought things would be the way they are now...in some good ways, and in some not-so-good ways. but it reminds me, more than anything, that God is so in charge of all of this, not me. i'm so thankful.

ahhhhh!

do you ever feel like life is speeding up and you just want it to slow down? part of me LOVES being a planner and having everything that i have to do on a calender. the other part of me just gets SUPER SUPER overwhelmed....ahhh!!! senior thesis is coming up, as well as seminary applications and scholarship applications--neither of which have deadlines until the spring, BUT...i really need to go ahead and work on them now, so i can find out sooner, so i can make my decision!!

speaking of seminary...i'm kind of thinking about moving to birmingham. random, i know. but beeson divinity school is there, and it's a great school. i have some friends nearby. it'd be a change of pace from north and south carolina (sadly, i would still be in southern culture, alas). i'm just not sure yet, though. i'll figure it out along the way, i suppose.

you know what makes you feel better when you don't know where you are going to go to seminary? eating french toast sticks. so that's what i'm gonna do.

you should probably know...

that i write, when i need to vent.
that i write, when i feel like i have no control over anything.
that i write, when i'm not sure what else to do.
so i put pencil to paper, or my fingers to the keys, and i let loose streams of words, that don't always make sense. that aren't proofread, or filtered. i write from my heart, and sometimes that's a little fuzzy, a little blurry, and a little different.

tonight, i feel confused and alone. i'm not sure why. i think finally everything is catching up to me. every single thing. i feel like no one understands any of this. as i watch my video from the summer--i feel like life was so much easier then, and that i knew what i was doing. i feel like people trust me too much to do the "right" thing. they say i'll know where the "right" place is for me to be. but how do they know? and what makes them think that i will know, either?

i miss...

my beautiful staff. i really, really do. last night, as i was thinking, i kept having these vivid, vivid flashbacks. walking into the cafeteria on saturdays when no campers were there. bringing in coolers. i miss my beautiful staff so much. i find myself homesick for the little, small things. even for throwing down my marker during evals and the incessant requests of having live animals. i wish life could be like it was this summer...but it can't. so i'm going to keep hoping and know that God has more in store for philadelphia, and more in store for me, and maybe or maybe not we'll meet again...and in the meantime, i've met twenty-two more people who i will love for the rest of my life...

i want community. and i don't have it anymore. and i want it back. and i want the next place i move, to have community. lots of it. and i'm scared that i'll make the wrong decision and wind up where i am now. and i really just need someone to tell me to shut up and to stop worrying, and that everything will turn out okay in the end.

okay?