i hate this about myself...

well, there are lots of things i don't like about myself, but last night, i rediscovered one thing that i do that drives me crazy (driving myself crazy...that's kind of weird to say...)

i can't seem to not think. you know those people who can turn their brains off, and forget things, and relax or read or watch TV or, i don't know, sleep? yeah...i'm not one of those people.

i am blessed because i can somewhat control what i think about--for instance: i really don't want to think about leaving, just because it is inevitably going to be difficult. i don't want to think about birmingham, at least not in the real sense that i'm actually going to be there, because again, i'm leaving, and i also have no where to live. so, my brain is smart. instead, my brain focuses on camp stuff and every aspect of camp, in overdrive. which helps me get excited about camp--so it's somewhat helpful i suppose. my brain is skilled at this, because i also was able to do this last year (focus on being BCM president and school) to ignore the other elephants in the figurative room.

however...eventually, my brain has to stop. not stop thinking, but stop pretending. so, when i finally bring myself to go to sleep, and i am TERRIBLY exhausted...i can't sleep! i'm finished with camp stuff for the day, so my brain doesn't know what to do, and turns to the next grueling thing on my mind. moving. leaving. goodbyes. housing. alabama.

it makes me really not like my brain sometime, even though it is an incredibly effective organ. i wish i could just....shut it off for a few hours of peace.

thank you for being a friend.

so let me just say, this has been a CRAZY busy weekend. so last night, as we were working on costumes for gender wars (heroes in a half-shell...haha...), i discovered that the air in my apartment was...broken. actually, mike tucker discovered it. anna told me it wasn't hot in there, to make me feel better. according to my kitchen digital thermometer (which is a REALLY good thing to have!) it was 85 degrees. definitely broken.  just when i thought things couldn't get any crazier...

the good thing, is that i have amazing friends. anna, mike, and kerri helped pack up all the costume stuff while i got my stuff together, after kerri invited me to stay at her apartment.  i fully enjoyed sleeping on a couch in a room with central air that actually worked.  and even though there were not my plans for today, still--it worked out pretty well in the end. i get to have lunch with kerri and work on gender wars stuff, and the air in my apartment gets to be fixed. it's pretty awesome. i'm glad i have great friends around here...i just need to get them to move to birmingham.  

some truths.

i've discovered as of late that i've become a very bluntly honest person.  i can say almost anything around those i care about, and feel safe. it's nice to know i can share my opinion and not be shot, even if i am the person who will say what everyone else is thinking. so, here are some current truths:

1. i'm excited, and nervous, and scared about moving to birmingham. i never thought anyone could feel all these things at once, but, apparently you can. and i do, on a day-to-day basis.  

2. i love to talk on the phone.  people who don't know me well think i am really quiet, but....i like to talk a lot, especially to good friends. i'm more relational than i ever thought.  this means that i also use probably over a thousand minutes a month, sometimes a lot more.  

3. as i get older, i realize more and more the effects of not really having a father, especially around marriages. if i were ever to get married, there would be no point in having a traditional marriage. i don't want someone to fill a symbolic role like giving me away, when i wasn't ever really "theirs" to give.  i wish things could have turned out differently, but they didn't, and they aren't ever going to be how they should....and i'm growing to be more okay with that. 

4. i'm realizing the struggle i will face in seminary will be maintaining my spiritual walk in a world where i am constantly studying the Bible and Scriptures in an academic manner. i will have to discipline myself to continue to seek God's guidance through prayer and quiet times--something i've always struggled with.  

that's enough truth, and bearing my soul, for now.  well, maybe one more, a fun truth...

5. i make things valid on facebook...when it goes on facebook, it becomes a little more real--which is why i added samford to my networks, FUGE to my jobs, and changed my activities.  i'm glad facebook is a method of moving on, lol.

or maybe two..

6. red and blue m&ms are my favorite, because i think they taste the best.  i really do.   the whole, artificial flavoring tastes the same defense does not get by me! the peanut ones are the most wonderful.  

aren't you thankful?

i'm supposed to be writing a paper, but i had inspiration to write, so...here i am, writing.  

do you ever sit back and think about how your life was? do you ever think back over all the selfish prayers you've prayed? my past petitions to God have been pretty memorable, and as i reflect on graduating and moving, the last few days have brought these desires back to my mind.

i'm SO glad that God doesn't answer some prayers.  i'm so glad that He knows what is best for me--and doesn't let me decide.  i've prayed some pretty self-centered and stupid prayers.  and they weren't answered the way i would have liked. and it made me angry and confused at the time, but now....i'm really thankful.  

aren't you glad that He knows what is best for you?  even when it doesn't make sense? it makes me pretty thankful, as i think back and realize how crappy my life would be right now, if i got everything i wanted.  

let it go...

my friend misti inspired me with her song lyrics.  this morning, as i was finally getting ready and being SO thankful that i was finished with that dumb poem, i stumbled across this song on my shuffle. 

let it go

let it roll right off your shoulders

don't you know

the hardest part is over

let it in,

let your clarity define you

in the end, we will only just remember

how it feels

i want, i so want, for my clarity to define me right now.  some moments seem so clear and so beautiful and so perfect. today, i had one of those moments.  i was sitting outside, talking to one of my best friends on the phone about nothing at all, and i had one of those moments.  a moment of complete clarity. i wish i had them more. i wish they lasted.  mostly, i have moments of confusion, and doubt, and fear.  lots of those moments.  but in "these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate," i'd like some things to be clear. 

i abhor..

writing in iambic pentatmeter. or any kind of stupid, regular rhythm. and goodbyes.

the end.

the greatest (love) story ever told...

otherwise known as elevation pt. 2.  today was absolutely incredible, and i'm glad i was able to experience worship there again.  

two significant things i realized today:

1. we really live out the greatest love story ever told.  forget the notebook, romeo and juliet, taylor swift (gag), twilight (yawn).  God, in the flesh, came down from heaven, took on human form, and died for my sins--before anyone reading this blog was physically conceived!  what's more, is that he loves me in spite of all my mess-ups and failures.  and that's pretty amazing. 

2. we spend way too much time complaining and not enough time praising. i can think of about fifteen things (finances, friendships, moving, housing for next year, camp, graduation, family issues...that's only seven, but that's just off the top of my head) that i've worried or stressed about in the last week. and yet, the words of Psalm 103 are true.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, praise His holy name..."

i'm telling myself, cast off the worry and doubt and fear.  the God that provided for my salvation through the horrendous death of His only son, and who became flesh to see to it that this was accomplished, will take care of me.  He's forgiven me.  He loves me.  He wraps His arms around me each day and night and only wants me to come and rest in Him.  So, isn't this enough?

i'm challenging myself to write in my prayer journal every day this week. it's going to be a hard week, with a lot of lasts.  but in every journal even with the sadness, i am determined to find specific things to praise God for on that day, even if it a painful day.  

Bless Him, who is so good to his wavering, unfaithful, and prodigal children.  

more time.

i promised you the world again

and everything within my hands

all the riches one could dream

they will come from me

i hope that you could understand

this is not what i had planned

please don't worry now

it will turn around

cause i need more time,

just a few more months and we'll be fine

so say what's on your mind

cause i can't figure just what's inside...

i've been meaning to blog for a few days, but i haven't quite been able to find the words to express what i want to say. do you ever feel like that? i've heard this song over and over the past few days, and each time it resonates more and more with what i am going through.  this is going to be the only "i'm sad i'm graduating and leaving and everyone is moving on" post, but i feel like i'm allowed to have one good one.  

i feel in-between.  not in birmingham yet.  in a lot of ways, it feels like i'm not really here, either.  things are moving on, without me. i knew they would, but it feels weird to hear plans and dreams of the next year and realize that i won't physically be here to see them come to fruition.  

a lot of this comes on top of stress--the wedding, packing/moving, graduating, camp, fears about what's next--if i can't find housing, or roommates, or friends...and the realization that i'm having a lot of "last" times, and "last" looks (see drew in elizabethtown) is quite scary.  the days when i can just hang out at the center are numbered.  spontaneous roadtrips are coming to an end.  i'll only worship with these people--some of whom i have worshipped with for four years--one more time, at least right now, and on this side of heaven, as a student.  and the kids at trailer park...that's a hard last time to think about.

it's funny that a year ago, all i wanted was to be out of columbia.  and now i'm realizing that i'm leaving behind a pretty big piece of my heart here.  

we're off to new lands

so hold onto my hands

it's a whole lot brighter

so stand by the fire

it's gonna be all right

yeah the road gets harder

but its not much farther

it's gonna be all right

you know it ain't easy

but please believe me,

it's gonna be all right

oh, please don't worry now

yeah, please don't worry now

oh, please don't worry now

cause it will turn around...

7 pounds

today has been a wonderful day. i got up this morning, went to church & spent time with two of my favorite people in the world, came home and did some major cleaning, and then made some snacks and had some pretty awesome friends over for a movie night. it was time for a de-stresser, i think. i really have noticed lately that i do love to open my home, or apartment, or whatever i have, to people. to cook, and have them over, and fellowship. these are intangibles God really used during my time of being president...i really like to make things. i'd be a good housewife, if i weren't such a...feminist. haha.

anyways! tonight we watched 7 pounds. it was my second time to watch it, and it was just as good, even though half the enjoyment is really in figuring it all out. i love will smith in this movie. it's such a different role for him. he's incredibly likeable, even though he has a dark secret. at the end, it makes you wonder if you too could do what he has done and is doing. good movie. two thumbs up, all the way.

coming full circle

the beautiful thing about senior year is that so many things come full circle. i've realized that not everything will EVER be resolved, but i have also realized that God provides some beautiful pictures of closure along the way :)

today i went to white oak, the south carolina baptist retreat center, for summer missions commissioning. i usually am at white oak on fridays for HUB, the leadership conference, but as an outgoing senior, instead i decided to go today and see a few of my very good friends be honored and prayed over in preparation of their summer. i'm so excited for them.

i've been to white oak a number of times--five, after today, in fact. i've been to HUB/commissioning three times, been a part of summer missions orientation there, and have been a part of kids connexion orientation there. basically said--i've spent a whole heck of a lot of time at white oak!

today was beautiful because it was very "full-circle" like. i got there early and i walked around for a bit, looking for the bathroom. when i went inside, i remembered using the bathroom for the first time with ellen (not the same toliet, but, you know, different stalls, lol), and our fun bathroom talk. that was from sophomore year. i also remembered on saturday before commissioning that year, when i was going to serve, and jane was leaving--i sat outside on a bench and journaled for over an hour and wept before God, before i was so scared.

as i continued to walk around, i remembered going to HUB last year as the new president, and being scared to death. i remember feeling crippled from the news i had just received from the past. i remember feeling like i couldn't quite breathe, and i was afraid of what was next.

today i could breathe. today was beautiful. full circle.

oh--and of course, i have to have a freshmen year memory...and that one? anna harper tucker and i were attacked by bats our freshmen year, and we roomed together and were blooped together. and she, along with rachel, rode back with me today. full circles.

God is faithful

i originally titled this blog "a moment of doubt" about five minutes ago. over the last day, Satan has really used my insecurity to make me doubt what is next. in fact, he's been using it for a while and wanting me to regret leaving all this--what i know, what is comfortable, what i love--behind for whatever's next. and he's done a good job. i've felt scared and really unsure. i've felt like i'm going to a foreign place. i've felt really alone. i've felt afraid. i've doubted my finances. i've been frustrated with the details of moving. Satan is really, really quite skilled at what he does.

fortunately for me, i also serve a God who is faithful; who has been faithful, who is faithful, and who will continue to be faithful. i woke up this morning feeling quite sorry for myself and my woeful situation of leaving behind the people i care about, for the unknown. and then, i got on facebook.

a few weeks ago, i got back from poland. i've been processing the trip for a while, but last night i had a series of very weird dreams, one which featured graciana, one of the little children there (and i probably just massacred the spelling of her name). when i logged onto my facebook, i saw that my poland teammate eric had posted a video of our time in poland. it took about two minutes for the video to play and to realize that i'm being stupid. i was scared to death about going to poland--and it ended up being the most amazing experience in the world.

so i started to think of all the things that have scared me to death. they've all been transitions, and they've all been hard. but i think i can honestly say that they have turned out for the best. i was scared to death about coming to college. about going to BCM for the first time. about serving as a summer missionary. about working camp. about being BCM president. and so it's normal for me to feel this way, but i have to remember one thing...

my God...he's a whole heck of a lot bigger than all of my worries, fears, and doubts. i don't just want to say it....i want to believe it.

random thoughts at 10:41pm

oops, it's already 10:42pm. i'm too tired to change the time, though. it's all good.

do you ever have one of those days, or weeks, where everything is spinning like crazy inside your head? i feel like that is my life, at this instant. one minute, everything is slow and boring--and the next, things are going a gazillion miles an hour (is this even possible??) stuff like future living arrangements and decisions and buying a new computer and wedding stuff and moving and leaving and packing and where to rent a van and......yeah.

sometimes you just need to slow down. to breathe. to sit in the quiet and be still before God.

i wish it was easier, sometimes. i wish my power would go out, maybe just for thirty minutes. and i wouldn't have a cell phone signal. not because i don't want to be connected to the world, but because sometimes, i think so many distractions get in the way. if God is in the the sheer sound of silence, how will i be able to hear him in my world, unless i stop...reflect...breathe.

a-hem, a-hem (also known as the throat-clearing sound before you make an announcement)

so, it looks like the future may not be quite as elusive as i had thought. in other words, i'm trying to say that i might have a small picture of "what the crap is next", in the words of myself and brett, my fellow clueless senior. it looks as if i really will be moving to birmingham and attending beeson divinity school! i'm excited, anxious, and ready to see what God does next, even though leaving is going to be a whole lot harder that i ever imagined. i've even been able to contact a potential roommate and definite future classmate, which gives me tons of encouragement about God's plan in whatever craziness is next.

tonight at BCM we sang one of my favorite songs, "jesus paid it all." two lines of that song are quite haunting:

"and when, before the throne, i stand in Him complete/Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat"

what a beautiful picture--that i would live repeating this beautiful truth. and yet, so many times, we forget the HUGENESS of His sacrifice

"oh praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead..."

yes...praise Him. God is so good, all the time.